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Brilliculous Movie Ideas

One day a long, long, time ago in a town not so far, far, away, I was hanging out with my friend Shont and his sister Arpi. (Aside: These are real names, people. My buddy’s name is Shont and his sister’s name is Arpi. They are full-blooded Americans, born and raised in Los Angeles. I’m not making this up. If I were to make up strange non-American sounding names, they’d be called Neetork and Clutox.) Arpi’s friend Azure was also present. (Aside part deux: Azure. yet another uncommon name, but at least it’s an English word…derived from French. O brother. I mean, mon Dieu.)

Arpi and Azure were going on and on about the movie “Pretty Woman”: Ohhhhh it’s the best movie ever. Ohhhhh Richard Gere is so handsome in it. Ohhhhh Julia Roberts is so perky! Ohhhhhh it’s so cute how they fall in love. Ohhhhh I really identify with that movie. Ohhhhh where’s the boom box- let’s all sway to a New Kids on the Block song, because that “Pretty Woman” movie is so romantic.

Shont starts to shake his head in his characteristic quirky, opinionated manner, and blurts out: “OK, you guys. Let’s take a step back. Think about it. This movie is about a mean rich guy. Who falls in love with a hooker. Plain and simple.”

Shont is right. It’s a movie about a guy who falls in love with a hooker. Yet we all fondly remember it through nostalgia-tinted lenses as one of the best romantic comedies ever. The movie that made Julia Roberts the top actress in Hollywood.

Let’s consider another one. One of my personal favorites (“Pretty Woman” was not one of my personal favorites).

Once there was this director from Modesto, California. He had recently made a movie about teenagers in a small whitebread American town, cruising around on a weekend night. Starring Opie. Also in the cast were Shirley (Laverne’s best friend) and The Fugitive. (Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon in Reverse? Anyone?)

After the modest success of that movie, the director goes to the studio and tells them that, for his next movie, he wants to make a space opera. The studio execs show a puzzled look, and declare, “Why, that sounds intriguing, although we have no clue what a ’space opera’ is, but we have to pretend we’re smart since we have corner offices. What is it about?”

“It’s an epic narrative set in outer space about a lost son who stumbles upon his destiny, a beautiful princess, and an old sage who guides them on their quest”, the filmmaker replies. “Oh! Why that sounds intriguing! As long as it comes within budget, of course,” say the execs.

In case you haven’t guessed by now, the director was George Lucas.

The movie, of course, was “Star Wars”.

Even without the benefit of hindsight, that one-sentence premise sounds great, doesn’t it? A classic myth with a science fiction backdrop. What’s not to like?

But just think about what happens next, after the money men begin digging into the script and the details. I can only imagine:

Encouraged by the positive initial reaction, the filmmaker continues: “Here’s my latest draft of the script. I’ll give you the highlights. It takes place in outer space. The main characters wear loose-fitting, flowing robes, as if a civilization with light-speed transport technology never bothered to invent a sewing machine. The princess wears a cinammon roll on each side of her head. She wanted to make a fashion statement but couldn’t find any white iPod earbuds. Everyone has a laser gun which shoots deadly energy-based projectiles thousands of feet, but the hero uses a laser sword, which shoots nothing and has a range of three feet. The hero and the princess are actually siblings by birth, but the pervey sage only reveals this to them after the princess slips her own brother the tongue.

“The villain wears a black samurai helmet on his head and has a 10-pound bionic lung strapped to his chest that looks like the Commodore 64’s great grandchild. He also dons a weird-looking mechanical facemask with big black Jackie O-style goggle lenses. When he talks, he sounds like a late-stage emphysema patient.

“There are two characters written in for comic relief. They are robots with human personalities. One is a neurotic, uptight nervous nelly. But male. The other robot is not in human form. He looks more like a white and blue suppository on wheels. He doesn’t speak English. He just utters a series of beeps and chirps, yet everyone in that universe can understand everything he says.

“One of the hero’s friends is a roguish character who is a space-faring pirate. He wears a white long-sleeved shirt underneath a black vest with a gun and holster strapped low on his thigh, as if he were the long lost seventh member of the Village People.

“And the space pirate’s sidekick is an 8-foot-tall dog that walks upright on two feet and shoots a laser crossbow. He wears no clothing, so the costumers will have to figure it out since I don’t want him hangin’ brain during a gunfight. Even though the walking dog speaks by uttering the exact same series of high-pitched grunts and growls, the space pirate can still carry on long, involved conversations with him. Because nnggghhhooooo nnggghhhooooo nngghoo ngghhooo means ‘Imperial Stormtroopers are on our ass’ as well as ‘I have shit on my fur’.”

Er, so far this thing sounds like the absurd result of a really bad LSD trip.

I once watched an interview with George Lucas. They asked him how he came up with the Chewbacca character. He said that he used to have a dog named Indiana (yes, he named Indiana Jones after his dog). Indiana (the dog, not Harrison Ford) used to sit upright in the front seat of his car while they drove around town, and Lucas thought it was funny that she sat there like a person, as if a dog were co-piloting the vehicle. So he worked it into the “Star Wars” script.

Thank goodness a movie studio gave Lucas the money to make Star Wars, preposterous as the premise and details may have sounded to many a movie exec.

If it hadn’t happened, I never would have known what a lightsaber is, let alone sign up for lightsaber fighting lessons. It’s important for a fully-grown man to know how to properly wield a functioning lightsaber. Otherwise he may accidentally slice his Star Wars action figure display case in half while pretending to be Darth Maul. In the privacy of his bedroom. Wearing nothing but tighty whiteys.

tags :: humor : Pretty Woman : Star Wars : George Lucas : Unexpected Success

38 Comments so far
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My mother has (I brought it for her) a vacuum cleaner just looks exactly like a blue R2D2.

Nice post (again).

Have you seen Store Wars? Chewbacca is Chewbroccoli. And Bathroom Wars? I think Luke is called Puke.

I hate to admit that I did like that movie, Pretty Woman, but I am a total Star Wars geek. May the Forest (Farm, I think in Store Wars) be with you.

I absolutely loved the breakdown of Star Wars. Impressive.

But you are not a Jedi Blogger yet.

And P.S. I hate Pretty Woman too.

I’m a total SW geek and you have me completely ROTFLOL with the lightsaber fighting in the tightey whiteys image. However, geek that I am, I have to admit that it’s also a titillating picture.

Though I enjoy sci-fi, I could never get into Star Wars. Between R2D2’s beeps and Chewbacca’s grunts, I was crying out “Beam me up Scottie!”

Mos Isley, you will never find a more wretched place of scum and villany…

my fav line… nobody remembers it though.. lucas said he let Alec Guiness improv most of his lines cause they were way better than Lucas’ script… i believe it cause no way Lucas could have come up with that dialog for Kenobi, he’s not that good a writer of dialog as you could tell on every episode after the original.. sigh..

lol! c-a-n-t w-r-i-t-e. l-o-l-l-i-n-g too much!
Haven’t seen Pretty woman nor star wars. What? Come on, on course they were run! I guess I just have a thing against movies that have everyone talking about them and watching them. I know the scripts by heart from hearing so much about them. So what’s the point?
Remember you told 90% of what you write is made up? I believe Arpi and Shont are!
FitÃ¨na

Am not commenting on the post below anymore so I’ll do it here instead.
Seems like the questions=more comments theory is true!
31 comments!!!
FitÃ¨na

HMMM The force is strong with this one…..he could make a powerful ally.

I’m a HUUUUUUUUUUGGGGEEEEEEE SW fan, and a big contributor (sad but true) to George Lucas’ overflowing money chest…that’s was probably the most humorous SW post I’ve read!

Jack, you wrote a SW entry on purpose is it? You knew that I am a Padawan-in-training, right? Speaking of which, just last week, I’ve watched SW Epi 4-6 on 3 consecutive days. I’ve always loved the Bad Boys, so just week, I just gotta get this tee – http://threadless.com/product/256/Dark_Side_of_the_Garden. And I was thinking of buying this one too – http://www.thinkgeek.com/pennyarcade/ladies/741b/ – now, seeing that you’re anti-SW, I shall not buy it then! Hrmmph! Bad Jack! Bad Jack. Hehehehe.

SJ: Really?! Mine looks like a palm frond on a stick. O wait, that’s a broom.

EOTR: I haven’t seen Store Wars or Bathroom Wars, but I have seen Spaceballs several times. Ludicrous Speed!!!

Penny Karma: I am finished with my training, but to become a true Jedi Blogger I must kill my father, also known as Darth Blogger.

Candace: For actual pictures please send $21.95 to my P.O. Box. ***Disclaimer: Not responsible for any vomiting or other gut-wrenching convulsions that may ensue once the package has been opened and viewed.***

ChickyBabe: What, you don’t find a grunting upright dog appealing?

DCCF: Lucas cannot write dialog. Yet we still love the films. I enjoyed all of the original trilogy, except for the Ewoks. The rebels should have roasted the Ewoks for the celebration feast after destroying the second Death Star.

FitÃ¨na:
RE: Never Having Seen Star Wars: I have some anthropologist friends who would like to do some scientific research on you, to see if actual original thinking leads to dementia.
RE: Arpi & Shont’s names being made up: How did you guess? In fact, Az’s name is made up also. Their real names are FitÃ¨nee, FitÃ¨no, and FitÃ¨nu, respectively.

Reflextion: Yes. I took all the receipts of Star Wars related purchases I made last year and deducted them from my taxes as charity. I consider them contributions to the Save the Billionaire Movie Makers From Bad Dialog Fund. The foundation is dedicated to helping billionaires who can’t write dialog but still insist on writing it themselves, with the help of professional writers, speech therapists, and self-image counselors.

Mei Lin:
RE: me being anti SW: Nothing could be farther from the truth. It is one of my personal favorites. Please see passage in blog post stating “Letâ€™s consider…One of my personal favorites…”
RE: Watching SW ep 4-6 in 3 consecutive days. Are you a wimp? We watched Eps 4-6 in one day and then went to see Ep I: The Phantom Menace at the theater. Too bad the “phantom menace” turned out to be the stilted dialog and wooden acting.

Simply put, this was the funniest damn thing I’ve read all day.

Was that supposed to be funny?! lol! lol! lol! I like their real names better. So many people wanting to do studies on me! Oh mon Dieu, c’est trop d’honneur! Am so flaterred! Thank you, thank you!
FitÃ¨na

“Neetork and Clutox” LOL!!

Great post, JackT. Now I know you can handle yourself if you ever stray into a galactic cantina.

Jess R: Simply put, Thanks!

FitÃ¨na: I will save you some time right now in deciphering my sense of “humor”: Everything I say is always supposed to be funny and never actually funny. FitÃ¨nee says hi. And FitÃ¨no wants to know why you were named after him.

Jason Evans: Yes if I am ever in a cantina at Mos Isley I will be sure to insult a Jedi and get my arm hacked off. O wait, I already did that. I’d better be careful with the remaining arm unless I want to learn to hold a spoon between my toes.

I dislike Pretty Woman for the exact same reason that you do…it leads me into conversations with oddly-named people.

Wait, did I miss the point of the entry?

Actually, I dislike Pretty Woman because it’s such a dumb RomCom (in industry parlance). I mean, c’mon. A john falls in love with some skank who’s been drilled more often than an Iraqi oil well. And then Costanza from Seinfeld comes in and tries to drill her, too.

Ahh…love at it’s finest…

J: Yes, all those oddly named people! If it were interesting, that little piece about strange names would be called a pleasant diversion. But in the case of my bad writing, it’s simply called filler.

I’d love a set of the tighty-whitey/light sabre shots. YOu’re onto something. Also, the blog doesn’t suck…

Were Arpi and Shont’s parents mathematicians by any chance? Arpi – Pi Ar – Pi R squared? Shont – no clue. When multiplying fractions Shont before Shonb? (shit on top and shit on bottom) Did they have a younger sib named Shonb?

after Return of the Jedi, I totally wanted to throw up… The Empire wasn’t so scary anymore when a bunch of overgrown hamsters start racking them down one by one… what a freakin’ joke..

Lucas = Way Overrated
Danny Boyle = Totally Underrated

Jedi was so pathetic its been over 15 years and I still haven’t forgiven Lucas for it…..

Lucas = Way Overrated
Danny Boyle = Totally Underrated

I remember seeing Blue Thunder the night before Jedi and I was totally stoked cause Jedi was supposed to be like 1000 times better…. NOT.. P.O.S.!!!!

the original will always be the best..

Tell FitÃ¨no the parents just couldn’t help it. It was meant to be. we eing the same person living in two parallel worlds. Some adn got messed up in the process he turned, unfortunately, into a male.
What am I talking about?
FitÃ¨na

Kathie: Thanks! We’re sold out of the tighty whitey lightsaber shots, but I do have a video of me doing the Macarena in a Speedo available. About 18,000 copies so we can cut you a deal.

Candace: Hahaha your comment prompted uproarious laughter from Shont. From now on I’ll be calling him Shit on Top. And please contact your local chapter of Mathematicians Anonymous.

DCCF: OK I didn’t think “Jedi” was entirely ridiculous. There was some good stuff in there. But yes, the Ewoks sucked and “A New Hope” kicks ass even though the lightsaber battle sucked.

FitÃ¨na: I will tell Shont that he should seek his inner woman. Maybe if he finds her, he can help his wife nurse their baby.

lol! Where did you get that out from! lol! Tu es trop drole!

FitÃ¨na

Hi, my name is George Lucas. Here is a script I’ve written about a space opera!

What do you mean, “This is the script for The Ring Cycle”??! Can’t you see? That’s my own work!

Nonono, that crayon crossing out “the river Rhine” and writing “outer space”, no, that was just me changing my mind!

=======================================

I concur. I’ve never been a huge Star Wars fan. It’s also funny that you mention “Pretty Woman”, because I was having that exact same argument with someone the other day. He’s an asshole. Who marries a hooker. Although, we were discussing it in the female fairy-tale context (like girl-becomes-princes or hooker-gets-married, etc).

FitÃ¨na: Je ne parle pas le Francais. Je parle seulement l’Anglais. Mais je got le joke de ma derriere.

Jeut: Hahaha! The film that reportedly “inspired” a lot of Star Wars Ep IV’s elements was Kurosawa’s “The Hidden Fortress“.

When you put it this way, it is pretty amazing that someone took a chance on this type of film.

This post is bringing back so many memories of mixing Barbie with Star Wars action figures. My brother and I used to have battles between the two, though, in retrospect, I think the battles were more like West Side Story dance offs. Still, they were epic battles.

(Barbie totally kicked ass, btw.)

Megan: Barbie’s disproportionately large boobs would not fit in an X-Wing Fighter cockpit.

Hilarious! And I’m still in awe of the fact that you were able to find that suppository image! Yeeeuch!

panthergirl: That’s a real life picture of me from when I was five. Can’t you tell?

How do I sign up for these lightsaber lessons?

Kevin: You know, it’s a very long and laborious process. You have to be approved by the Jedi council and be able to rearrange your linen drawer using the Force.

Lucky for me I can already do that! Where do I sign?

Kevin: Really? It took me years to learn to fold all the doilies in mine without using my hands! Those darn doilies! No square edges!

Doilies (and anything in a linen drawer) are for Padawans. When you can use the Force, as I can, to fold a perfectly square fitted bedsheet in your linen closet, only then can you be thought of as a true Jedi Master. Those elasticized corners are a pain, but once you master them… woah nelly!

Kevin: I know for a fact that saying “Whoa nelly!” will get your head cut off by Samuel L. Jackson aka Mace Windu’s purple lightsaber. The last words you will hear before being beheaded are “This party’s over! [M****r F****r!]“.

While it may piss him off, Mace is my Jedi-bitch. Now that’s an image… Jedi-bitch. Hmmm.

Kevin: Hahaha dude that is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. It’s only 8.30AM but it’ll be tough to top that one. ROTFL!

[...] I’m a movie fan. I really like Star Wars. I even made a feeble attempt to break it down in a previous post. For the most part, though, I am your average summer blockbuster lemming. I go to movies and get wowed by the special effects (”Whoaaaa…them’s la-ZERS!”). Who cares about a plot when they’re blowing s**t up, I say. [...]

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