Anti-Fitness Diet

It’s incorrect to say that I’m not physically fit. That would imply the lack of fitness. I’m anti-fit. Meaning, the opposite of fitness (see rule 5 in Words to Live By).

spud_webb.jpgI did, though, join a fitness club because I like to swim and shoot basketball for fun, even though I suck at both (that’s me, Jack “Spuds” T, on the right). When I joined, they threw in five sessions with a personal trainer (I drove a hard bargain- the key to negotiating is to not care whether you get it or not, a feeling I surely projected after my initial tour of the facility when I said to the rep “Well, I really don’t care if I sign up or not.”).

Normally, I would not bother with such sessions. Working out is for good-looking people or people who are concerned about their health. I’m neither. I’m all about fun. I find hanging out at the gym working out to be about as fun as watching paint dry. But the only thing that supercedes my aversion to all things fitness-related is my cheapskate nature, so I relented.

My trainer’s name was Ray. Poor Ray.

First Session:
Ray: OK Jack. What are your goals for these sessions?
Jack: I dunno. They were free, and they expire soon. So here I am.
Ray: Well, do you want to get stronger? Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to increase performance at sports?
Jack: I don’t feel any need to be more muscular, skinny or athletic. I’m here because the sessions are free, and they expire soon.
Ray: OK that’s fine. We need a goal though. That’s how the program works. How about we shoot for a little weight loss. That’s generally a common goal.
Jack: Sure. Whatever.
Ray: OK. Good. First, I need you to fill out this questionnaire about your eating habits.

Ray puts in front of me an SAT-like test with four pages of questions in 6-point font asking asinine questions like, “When you eat, do you mostly prefer red meat?” (yes. DUH.). I scan it and see at the bottom a check box saying “I waive the food and nutrition portion of the fitness training program.” I immediately grab the pen, check off the box, and sign it.

gums.jpgRay: *sigh*. Jack, you know, the food component is very important to the weight loss goal. It’s like 60% diet / 40% exercise in terms of getting results.
Jack: [Thinking: Then why are you here then, Mr. Muscles? I don't see any degrees in nutrition management on your wall.] I don’t want to do the food thing. I like to eat good stuff. Also I hate vegetables. And I’m allergic to fruit. They make my inner ear and my right pinky toe itch. So I only eat meat and starch. Telling me to eat a lot of broccoli and no red meat is not an achievable goal. I’m all about achievable goals. I learned that while watching a Tony Robbins video. And while we’re at it, how come Tony has inhumanly big gums?
Ray: *sigh* Dude, what am I gonna do with you. OK, then just write down what you eat every day, and the time you eat it.

Second Session (1 week after First Session):
[Ray scans the list of things I ate for the week]
Ray: What time do you wake up every day?
Jack: 7am.
Ray: It looks here like you don’t eat breakfast, and your lunch is usually at 1pm.
Jack: Yes. I get carried away doing work in the morning.
Ray: OK. Well, be sure you eat a meal for breakfast. And eat smaller portions for each of your three meals. And eat a small snack, like a cup of yogurt or a health bar, in between each meal.
energybar.jpgJack: Like, the health bars you sell in that cabinet there?
[Thinking: The ones that look like dried feces squeezed out of someone's square anus hole? How convenient that they look the same going in as they do coming out. But when you find an unwrapped one lying around, how do you know whether to eat it or flush it? What do you call them, anyway? Mr. Shitbar? ShitKat? Shit Jerky? Shwitx? Three Shitkateers?]
Ray: Well, you can get other ones at the market, but yeah, we recommend our energy bars. So, I noticed you didn’t eat any vegetables all week.
Jack: Yes, I decided to forgo the vegetable portion of the food pyramid last week. And all prior weeks since my birth.

Third Session (1 week after Second Session):
dumbells.jpgRay: Let’s go work on some weights. [Hooks me up to some machine with weights.] Now do twenty reps and then pause.
Jack: One…. *grunt*…. Two….. *grunt*….. Three….. *grunt* *grunt*….. Five…..
Ray: Hey! No cheating on the count!
Jack: Why *grunt* do you care! *grunt* I’m only *grunt* cheating on myself! *grunt* No harm no foul! OK I’m tired. *Rubs sore shoulder* Where’s my water.
Ray: Hey! You can’t stop now! Twenty reps, remember? You only did six!
Jack: Ten, by my count, Ray.

Poor Ray, having to put up with me and my blase attitude towards fitness. I should send him a case of Mr. Shitbars. Or hire an Enron exec to teach him to count.

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22 Comments so far
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Good story. I want to be like that sometimes but I tend ot politely play along. If only I said what I really thought life would be so much more interesting

This reminds me of a post I wrote last summer:

Square anus…that’s pretty good. Though clearly my standards aren’t that high.

LOL – the square shitbars – aaaaaack!!! Poor Ray. You are his worst nightmare. ;-)

Come back to the guessing game! I’m offering a FABULOUS prize!

I think I’ve lost weight just by laughing too hard as I read this post!

Healthy approach right there. You could probably make a fortune with it…

lol! What Cjicky said! And mind you, its scientifically proved that smiling and laughing help keep your mind and body in good shape and make you lose some calories!
I love you Jack! You’re real real real funny!


I laughed the whole way through that!

Jack, you and I have much in common. I mean other than being carbon based life form and a high affinity for the female of the species…

you have more than just a post in that story jack…. You have a book waiting to be written!!!!

clearly you like to write… it could happen jack!

i love working out. it makes me happy.
but i had to send my personal trainer to hell. He was an ass.

Ironically enough, I just got through with a work-out and just said to my husband, “It’s amazing how good your body feels after a work-out!” before I read your post. Fitting, huh? (no pun intended, lol)

Super funny post man……but come on you could’nt have been that bad! That health bar is a farse man…how can anyone eat that crap??? Yeaaaach!

Steve: Yes, we should play along less and just say what we think more!

Janet: I went through the same thing! They’re so vague with the darn pricing until you show up, then they put on the hard sell!

Kathie: And here I thought that potty humor was the highest form of art. :)

Candace: Yes, Ray was none too happy with me. I wore him down much more quickly than I thought it’d take.

CB: Laugh away! It’s easier than doing crunches!

Anne: Every part of the following statement is true: I’m a very healthy person. Seriously. That’s what my parents Xaltharp and Rkowarp tell me. And they would know- they’re from the planet DmktBloov.

Fitèna: Yes! It’s true that laughter is good medicine. That’s why I’m smoking 20 packs a day, so I can laugh my way to proving the skeptics wrong!

Doc-T: Thanks for the suggestion on the book. I’m already working on it. But someone just told me the other day that printing out a single page of your written work on your home inkjet printer is not called “publishing a book”. It’s called “printing a pamphlet”.

Annush: They shouldn’t allow donkeys into the gym. I don’t think it’s very hygienic. Good thing you got rid of of the ass before someone complained about the smell.

BlondeBlogger: I’m sure your body feels great. Mine does too after a workout. That’s when I hook myself up to a morphine drip.

Rule number one of storytelling:
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story! My friend James Frey told me that.

I hate when I go to lunch with Tony Robbins – he always gets Spinach Salad stuck in his gargantuan gums and I never know if it’s appropriate to lean across the table, bitch slap him upside the head and say, “FOOL! Stick to red meat!!!”

That was so funny, but the sad thing you didn’t have to make anything up. Was this “24 Hour Finess” or “Bally’s?” Those “free” sessions are basically a gimmick for you to buy more stuff.

Poor Ray. You aren’t being a ray of sunshine in his life… I now hate you.


Penny Karma: I’d bitch slap Tony “Gums” Robbins as often as possible if I were lunching with him. Maybe his teeth’ll fall out and it’d be all gums, all the time.

Neil: No need for fiction when real life is so pathetically comical.

SJ: Please feel free to join the JackT haters club! The more the merrier! That way, when the next club meeting occurs, I’ll know where to aim the SCUD! :)

Mr. Shitbars are my favorite thing in the world. I eat them morning, noon, and night! Yum!

That’s so nasty.

Hilarious post.

Megan: Please feel free to contact Ray. He’d like to sell you some shitbars. Be sure you count ‘em Enron style so you get your money’s worth.


ABlondeBlogger: After morphine drip, less like “LOL!!” and more like “Ahhhh”.

hahahahahah too much” How convenient that they look the same going in as they do coming out” hahaha ok ill stop its too funny…

@ reflextion – hey u gym enuf!!….and eat a lotta health crap:P….


Yes, it’s very convenient, and quite surprising because it’s solid. Most things that fit that description are wet and mushy. :)

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