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Things That Are More Enjoyable Than SuckyBlog

The other day, I emailed my friend Shont and said something like: “Hey! This blog thing is pretty fun! But, now that I have a few blog friends who read my posts, I feel some pressure to consistently write interesting things. It’s not as easy-going as when I first started blogging, when just friends and family would stop in to see how pathetic my Joke of the Week was.”

Shont fires back with: “The pressure of success.”

Hardly.

The number of blog friends I have is still smaller than my shoe size. So Shont, I’m afraid you will have to continue visiting SuckyBlog to help keep the readership hovering above zero.

But it did get me thinking. Maybe I was fishing for a compliment! My insecure, competitive, Type-A, unconscious psyche getting the best of me again! Dammit!

So, time to put my bloated ego back in its place. (I suspect it usually resides in my ass, given the required cubic footage). To accomplish this, I have listed all the non calorie burning activities (for me, there is no other kind) that I would rather do than read SuckyBlog:

Watch movies.
Watch basketball.
Read news magazines.
Read books.
Read blogs written by other people. Except for mommy blogs. OK I admit it- I usually get bored with some of the mommy blogs out there, except for the funny or raunchy ones. Because mommies shouldn’t be raunchy. But apparently all the ones who are like to blog.
Read about strange things on Wikipedia, like the 7 forms of lightsaber combat.
Defrag my hard drive, and watch the progress status bar. This process takes 47 minutes and 13 seconds. The progress bar moves 1.24 millimeters per minute on my 17-inch screen. I know this because I measured it with digital calipers. More fun than reading SuckyBlog.
Read the back of my toothpaste label. “Squeeze and flatten on brush as you go up.” I’ve got this one burned into my cornea because I read it every single time I forget to bring a magazine to the can. And I hit the can at least twice a day. So that’s how you apply toothpaste. Good to know.
Read my mattress tag. “DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW”. *rip*. Please don’t arrest me. The voices in my head told me to do it. This is the only way I can make them stop.
Pick my nose, and flatten the extracted manna-from-nostril between my thumb and index finger (the toothpaste instructions have trained me to flatten everything squishy). Then give myself a little Rorschach test by admiring my newly-formed Poodlebooger.

Wait a minute. I write SuckyBlog. I don’t read it also. That would be narcissistic, and I can’t afford for my ego (or my ass) to grow any bigger. So scratch everything I just said, go do a Rorschach boogerblot test, and tell me what you see.

tags :: jokes : humor : blogging : mattress tag : Rorschach : booger

43 Comments so far
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Yeah you do. You read your own blog. We all do, because we’re all narcisstic, insecure, competitive, Type-A personalities.

And some of us are raunchy too.

(why aren’t mommies supposed to be raunchy?)

I very much enjoy reading my own blog. And, as much a Mac man as I now am, I must admit that I do miss watching the Windows defrag status. I love watching the little boxes disappear from their original spot and reappear in line with all the rest. It was like me whipping some order into my hard drive.

Is it wrong I said I like reading my own blog? But I think it’s more out of my OCD desire to spell everything correctly and I still miss some.

I read my own blog to remind myself that I actually used to be funny.

And that blot is obviously part lobster, part ant, part butterfly.

stopped by via lisa’s page. i read my own page, and like you, have a small but loyal following of bloggers. it is a unique world we have here, people from all over the world exchanging ideas and laughs. hope you have a good monday!

Think I’ll pass on the Rorschach test. Sometimes you’ve got to read your own stuff because someone will make a comment and you think, “Did I write anything that warranted that comment?”

The blot is the “Iron Giant” walking through trees, but it is upside down.

Really? because I see 2 dogs humping something like looks like a big bug.

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

What do you mean mommy bloggers shouldn’t be raunchy? God almighty, man, how else are we going to make spit up and sex after c-sections interesting?

Next time my computer needs defragging I will ship it off to you, since that little status bar causes me nothing but anxiety.

Maybe you could live on the edge a little and like, paint something… and then watch it dry.

Careful, if you keep writing so comfortably about boogers, someone may mistake you for a mommy.

I suspect it usually resides in my ass, given the required cubic footage.
So THAT’S where all my lost things have been hiding. I knew my ass was getting big for some reason.

I don’t generally read what I write; however, I have gone back and read specific posts for particular reasons. I have no idea why anyone else would read that crap. Suckas!

I’m glad to read that you feel pressure, too. I was thinking about that this weekend. My blog should take on the title “Sucky Blog Jr.” since it has gone downhill faster than…well, something that would go fast down a hill. I don’t know how you manage to stay funny. You go boy.

I agree it used to be so easy when, as a blogger, you had under a hundred visitors a day. Once it gets past that and keeps on growing you do feel pressure to provide what your readers are after. I find posting a nice set of boobs every week or so generally keeps most people happy, leaving me to post as crap a post as I wish on the other, non boob, days.

I agree. I feel guilty if I don’t feel particularly witty. I feel guilty if I can’t visit other blogs.

Blogging is like having a baby. Not that I would know. Why, what have you heard!?

Where can I buy digital calipers? I need some to measure important stuff like the size of my soul

I see an evil mask, a beast and someone who should multitask by writing Sucky Blog AND reading it!

Stephanie: Yes, yes I do read it. Yes, yes I am a narcissist. The first step to recovery is acceptance.

Kevin: Yes, every Friday I put on a leather corset and whip my hard drive into submission. If it’s good I’ll let it lick my boots. I have spelling OCD also, but not the skilz.

Tim: Funny, like you are, is a great place to be. Funny looking, like I am, is a great place to be from. I’ll consult with the booger blot on what it actually is and have it get back to you by email.

Poet: I wouldn’t so much call my blog friends a “loyal following”, since I pay each of them three cheeseburgers every Tuesday to read my blog. It used to be one cheeseburger but after they found out that the blog actually sucks I had to add hazard pay.

Dagny: I don’t speak English- where I come from we speak using clicks and loud swallowing noises. So naturally I have hired ghost writers to post to SuckyBlog on my behalf since nobody from my village has Internet access. So if someone posts a derisive comment I just set the dogs on the responsible ghost writer.

Awe: So you’re the one who saw that movie.

Angie: If a dog humps a bug, do the other dogs consider it beastiality?

Edgy Mama: You mean the spit up is not as sexy as whipped cream?

JustRun: People mistake me for a mommy all the time when they see my man boobs.

Megan: If you name your blog “Sucky Blog Jr.” because it’s going downhill, then that would mean that “Sucky Blog” is going downhill even faster. Excellent observation. Let me know if you need help reserving the domain name.

Gav: Too bad there’s no way to make the boobs squeezable. Then I wouldn’t have to post anything else at all. I could even charge money.

Janet: If a blog is like a baby, then I’m more of a sperm donor than a dad. That’s why it’s SuckyBlog. Don’t worry, as promised I’ve been keeping my eye on the love child you had with Randall Batinkoff. It’s really too bad you had to give her up for adoption. She has your knees.

Russell Allen: You’re lucky you still have your soul for measuring. I sold mine to the devil for an additional 2 readers.

ChickyBabe: If you’re seeing evil masks and beasts in your boogerblot, you must have some mean snot!

It does become increasingly difficult to find things to write about! You start your blog with just a place to vent and babble in mind, but then as people actually read it you feel the need to impress/amuse them.

No worries, you’re doing a good job. You’re quite amusing. =)

See, as long as I learn new words like “Poodlebooger,” I’ll keep coming back to Sucky Blog. Also, you actually admit to reading books. So you’re 1,000% up on the MySpace competition.

Damnit, I didn’t mean for my comment to come out that way. Your blog isn’t going downhill nearly as fast as mine. (You know I’m just teasing, right?)

I read my blog for good reason: I think in French and write in english so am bound to make mistakes. And I also read it to laugh at myself and at those I’be blogged about.
Are you a blogstalker? Why am I seeing you everyblog I go huh?
Wait!!! Don’t leave!!!!
FitÃ¨na

Jess R: What’s MySpace? I’ve never heard of it. I spend most of my Internet time surfing around hitting on young girls, so I don’t know these new-fangled web sites.

Megan: Of course I know you’re teasing about Sucky Blog Jr. SuckyBlog, on the other hand, becomes increasingly sucky.

FitÃ¨na: I don’t really read all those blogs. My webbot goes around automatically posting my Viagra and penile enhancement ads to all those blogs.

The Rorschach is obviously two ravens flying out of a bottle of absinthe. They are about to quoth Nevermore.

I have added the Sucky Blog to my blogroll. You should add me to yours so I don’t go around telling the world how much you suck.

I read (and re-read) my mommyblog just to make sure it’s raunchy enough for the readers. I try to reach a broad audience. Not everyone wants to read about what kind of yarn I bought today or if my kid pooped on the potty today. Some people want to read about my pierced nipples.

Michele: I just added you to the blogroll. Now you can feel free to tell everyone I suck hard. And please call off the hit. I really don’t want to get whacked today.

Penny Karma: Yes, after your hairspray incident post I would rate your mommyblog pretty high on the raunch scale!

rorschach tests always look like bats to me. sometimes on the buggy side, possibly mothish… but otherwise, i am apparently depressingly literal.

Alice: I’m glad that there is one sane person reading this blog. It looks like a bat to me also. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to get back to the Bat Cave to prepare for an evening of superhero crime fighting.

I see a woman with medium breasts.

You are SO not allowed to say you have no readers when you have 28 freakin’ comments here!!! Yes, I am jealous.

Dirk the Feeble: I see women with medium breasts every day through my telescope.

ABlondeBlogger: The best way to get 28 comments is to say something slightly provocative about mommies, like mommies shouldn’t be raunchy. Then all the mommiebloggers come out of the woodwork.

You must have really big feet! You’re giving Shaq a run for his money at this rate.

I think I’ll start a BlogRing – RaunchyMommy, LOL!

Oh, I hit post too soon. I see a big bad wolf. Apparently that means I’m a homosexual if I remember by Rorschach stuff right. Who knew??

I wonder if my secret sex blog should go in the RaunchyMommy ring.

Shont Enfant, hee hee!

What ever happened to that “Joke of the Week” thing?

Candace: You know what they say about guys with big feet! (They have large *ahem* shoes). Let me know when the RaunchyMommy blog ring starts up. I want to help with the live photography work. RE: Rorschach test- don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, Charles.

Neil: The Joke of the Week was that every week they’d check and there may or may not be a new post. And either way it wasn’t funny. Much like now, except that now I have an unfunny post a few times a week. How’s that for progress.

Phillistine, you have so many comments, have been at it a week, the pressure to be non-mummy and some sexy little strumpet with her head in the Kama Sutra is too great sometimes. Hit 5 comments this week on one of my posts, decorated the street with flags, threw a party, then I realised one of the comments was me replying to the one new blog bud, the other 3 were from my friends who I see every day, you want sad – this is it!
Anyway, position 64b in the book, woooah baby! Take it away!
Rachh

The raunchy mommy stuff – that cracks me up. I’ll bet that the moms who aren’t raunchy are just repressed. Why blog if not to show your real self?

(And I agree, it’s not always easy to have something interesting to say every day!)

Frankly, I think your life sounds fascinating. Who wouldn’t want to learn 7 forms of lightsaber combat? I mean really!?

I like reading here. I find it funny. No pressure but im gonna stop if it doesnt keep coming

Well, I’d make a real comment, but first I’m off to search for lightsaber combat classes in my area. Thank you…you may have changed my life forever, or at least if I am every attacked by a Sith Lord.

jackt: first of all, you are hysterical…your posts AND the comments you leave. So now that I realize you get anywhere from 20-70 comments on a post I:
#1 feel honored that you take the time to read my blog
#2 don’t feel sorry for you one bit (3 readers, my ass)

Rachh: All you did was decorate your street with flags and throw a party when you hit five comments? When I hit five comments, I bought everyone on my street a pc. They automatically shut down if the user doesn’t leave comments on my blog. I am an expert on the kama sutra, btw. Feel free to send pictures of yourself in the various poses and I would be happy to professionally review your technique on SuckyBlog.

Wendy: The more important question, according to my neglected wife, is “why blog at all”?!

Steve Awesome: If you like funny posts rather than suicidal ones, I’d suggest reading as much of SuckyBlog as possible right now. Because my medication will only last so long.

Kimananda: There are a lot of Sith Lords around here. I see them all the time. They come out at the end of October and demand candy lest they castrate me with their lightsabers. Funny how they’re so short and small. Some of them even have servants carting them around in strollers.

Cruisin-Mom: Those aren’t real comments. I make them up and pretend to be other bloggers. For authenticity I even post a link to the blogs I’m imitating. You’re the only real reader and commenter on this whole blog. Don’t you feel special now?

jackt: I knew it…I knew this whole thing was made up.

Your posts are huge. I loved the dick-monument pictures.. they are so funny…and kinda hot in a very weird weird way..

Mr. F: Thanks! I’m glad you like it! And maybe a little troubled that you find it hot!!!

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I'm not particularly deep, clever, or knowledgeable. I'm also a pretty boring writer.

-Jack. Los Angeles, CA

You can email me at:
jack [at] suckyblog.com

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