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List of Upcoming Posts

Blogs are so varied. Some blogs I’ve come across include carefully crafted original graphics and pictures, and are written in a very polished manner. Some are more conversational. Others are spazzy. And then there are the incomprehensible ones that look like the bloggers type with their toes while watching “Cops” and eating Chinese take-out.

I’m probably somewhere in the middle. I don’t know anything about the technical aspects of good writing, and I don’t have the design skills to achieve high production values. But, I do care about not having my posts look like I barfed them out and didn’t bother to clean them up. So I write several posts simultaneously, well in advance of publishing them. I then re-read, re-phrase, re-arrange, re-write, correct, edit, and proofread each of them over several days.

To shed some light on my modus operandi, I thought I’d give everyone a peek at the completed and semi-completed posts that are in queue to be published over the next few weeks:

I Never Knew That Blogging Could Be So Fun
My Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies. Hardy Har Har
49 Great Blogs I’ve Recently Discovered
I’m Watching Much Less TV These Days. How Cool is That?
MyYahoo! Sucks for RSS Reading
Hooray For Me! I Have Blog Friends!
I Need an Intravenous Hookup So I Can Spend Less Time Eating and More Time Blogging
Bloglines.com : How Did I Ever Live Without It?
Major Milestone : 500 Subscriptions in My Personal Blogroll
My Boss Reprimanded Me for Falling Asleep at My Desk
I Need to Spend Less Time on The Computer
My Very Sweet Wife Got Very Angry With Me Today
Advice Please : I’m Thinking of Quitting Blogging
My First Bloggers Anonymous Meeting
Boss-Man Meeting Part Deux. Prognosis: B-A-D
Self-Affirmation : I’m A Good Person and I Have a Good Life
Holding On As Best I Can (By the Skin of My Teeth)
Open Letter To My Lovely Wife : I Love You More Than Blogging, Please Don’t Leave Me
My New Mantra : The Internet Does Not Rule My Life
Relapse : Time to Pause and Reflect
I Give Up : Goodbye Cruel Worjbwtm n

[Hello everyone. This is Pat, Jack's wife. We had a bit of a scare there, but Jack is doing OK now.

In his despair and anxiety, he passed out and cracked his head on the keyboard while writing this post. When he came to, he tried to slit his wrists. Thankfully he was unable to find an actual razor blade and didn't get very far with his electric shaver.

He also swallowed an entire bottle of pills. Luckily the only pills in our medicine cabinet were laxatives. It's causing unpleasant bouts of nitrogen-laden green diarrhea every half hour. So now some of his tighty whiteys are discarded stinky greeneys. But he'll live and that's what matters.

We have him on an Alprazolam drip and a strict diet of 7-UP and Saltine crackers.

He is still recovering in bed, but asked me to publish this post so as not to disappoint his blogging friends.

Please feel free to comment. Jack will respond if his colon is feeling better. And if he is unable to, I will respond to comments on his behalf.

Now if you'll please excuse me- Jack and his colon are out of commission, so I gotta go find me another bitch to pimp.]

tags :: jokes : humor : blogging : obsessions

55 Comments so far
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Oh My Goodness it’s like looking in a mirror.

(moment of silence)

Except for the part about 7up. That’s just bullshit. It’s Sprite all the way.

Not the 7up or the Sprite. It’s all about ginger ale.

I can’t wait. Want to read it all.
You have to cover acceptable dating practices in there somewhere.
Hope the colon pulls it together soon!
Rachh

sorry added another comment for you on your comment for me on my sunday scribblings.
another subject for a post:
– how do you write your posts in advance because the day is all wrong on the title?
– is there a safe children’s blog thingy as my girls want to blog, but blog who?
and on and on.
Question: why don’t you have something like a ‘sucky saturday’ when you welcome subjects from your dudes and bitches and then you have to do the deed with the subject they have given you. Now that is a literary challenge.
Rachh

I’m intrigued, can’t wait to read them! I hope you and your colon recover quickly.

ROFL! Pat, hook up the computer in the bathroom so he won’t have an excuse not to blog!

See you manage to make me laugh today! Yay! Do you think my blog is so spazzy? I’m a bit self-obsessed today!

Oh, damn… are you contributing to the greenhouse effect by releasing bad methane??

Snap out of it, Jackt.
Were you OCD before you started blogging or was this the trigger?
Blogging killed my marriage-no joke.

Funny, I prepare my comments ahead of time and have them ready. So, since you were kind enough to provide a preview, I’ll do the same:

Wow, that’s amazing!

Really? I don’t do it that way. Does that really work?

Yes, back in 1988 the same thing happened to me. I’m sorry. Hang in there.

LOL.

That’s scary! Please don’t.

Well, that’s enough for now. If I told you the rest of my upcoming comments, you’d have nothing to look forward to.

Feel better!

Thanks for making me laugh – I really needed that today.

I think I should take a cue or two from your list of upcoming stories. My wife would appreciate them, that’s for sure.

If you don’t use any of the titles in the next month can I have them? That’s only fair, right? They are REALLY GOOD TITLES. Seriously.

Not at all the suck I was expecting.

I think you’ve covered the required variation of topics for blog posts before being allowed to retire with a gold watch.
Although you can make your comeback with the bitch post about not receiving your gold watch.

Hey Pat, Do you know your husband’s online banking codes. He said I could borrow them for my ‘study’ but now he’s incapacitated YOU are the only one that could help me.

And what is wrong with typing with my toes? It’s a very special talent.

ha ha – that’s a great post.

Detailed information about your runny bowel movements needs to be tacked on the end there.

Pull it together, I’m dying to read those posts. Just run catheter from the computer to the commode =)

Almost forgot…hope ya feel better!

Obsessive much? ;-P
Hope the diarrhea runs its course soon. Hehe, sorry couldnt help it.

Your wife is a saint. (And #8 cracked me up.)

Strike that: number 7 not 8.

#14 and #19 – Resistance is futile. Ditto to #8. But can someone please explain to me what this thing called “TV” is??

HA!HA! I usually work on just a couple at a time.

And tell your wife she’s funny as hell.

Therese: Sprite’s too sweet! And also 7Up had those “up yours” TV spots. LOVE IT.

Dagny: Ginger ale? Whassat? (while we’re at it, what’s a malt? what’s a soda jerk?)

RachH: I know nothing about relationships or dating, so it would be a ridiculously short post. My colon says “Thank you for caring. It means a lot to me, because I don’t get out much.”

Megan: My colon says “Thank you very much for your well wishes.” But please, don’t feed its ego it’s acted up enough these past few days.

Missy: My colon is glad that you got a good laugh out of it. I don’t think your blog is spazzy- your Edinburgh pics were very nice. I am contributing to the greenhouse effect temporarily, but I have bought some emissions credits on the Chicago Exchange to offset the gases emanating from Senor Colon. So far it’s been expensive.

Mads: So sorry to hear that. I’ve always thought I am a bit OCD and ADD, although never officially diagnosed and I seem to function OK (well, for my low standards!).

Wendy: That’s so good to hear because I thought that I was the only one who did that stuff in advance! Just to get it out of the way, I will go ahead and respond to your comments on my comments on your comments right here:
Yes.
yes.
NO. WAY. NUH UH SHE DID NOT DO THAT.
Yeah, I hear ya.
Yep.
*nod*
*shakes head*
I think it’d be way better if he’d just shave the poodle.

Stephanie: Glad to be of assistance. So is my colon.

Kevin: All wives appreciate such gestures. Except for Pat. She just uses me as her bitch.

Chantel: I didn’t know you get a gold watch!!! That’s awesome! But…er, then, where are the donuts?

Kimananda: Being able to fart at will is my special talent. I wish I had yours and somebody else had mine.

Gav: I was going to post a few pictures but my camera kept vomiting while trying to focus on the ceiling stains.

Angie: The volume that can be pushed through the catheter is a function of diameter and flow rate. Unfortunately at a super charged flow rate there is still not sufficient diameter to push through the needed volume to keep the poop off my desk chair.

Fresh Ink: My colon thanks you for caring. Now if you’ll excuse him, he needs to vomit again.

Megan: Don’t tell Pat she is a saint. It will get to her head and then she’ll really make me her bitch seven days a week. Right now I have a half day off and I really look forward to my non-bitch time.

ChickyBabe: I LOVE the Borg. But how can you not know what TV is if you know what the Borg are?

Nikki: Don’t give Pat ideas about how funny she is. I don’t want her getting any ideas about starting a blog, because her first post would be recordings of the 257 distinct fart noises I made this weekend.

ABlondeBlogger: Please don’t encourage him. When it comes to using the bathroom, I’m still trying to train him to leave the seat down.

Russell Allen: I just checked with him and he remembers his conversation with you. He said it’s no problem- I can transfer the 80 million to you, right after you transfer the 300 thousand to his account first just as a test, as you agreed to earlier.

You are insane. No wonder you fit right in with the rest of us.

wow, I once wrote a post in advance and thought I was nuts…um, thanks jackt, you are way nuttier than me.

Great, I feel like such a loser now – only writing one entry at a time. The pressure to fit in, to excel, to exceed the blogging world’s expectations, it’s just too much because of people like you. Thanks jackt. Thanks a lot.

You shouldn’t spend alld ay blogging only all night…

Steph: Yes it’s totally crazy how crazy I am.

Cruisin-Mom: Yes, I’m like trail mix- every kind of nut in one crumpled up bag, with some raisins to boot.

Jamie: You’re very welcome. Nothing a bit of crystal meth couldn’t fix.

SJ: When it’s day here it’s night there, so technically I’m spending just all night or just all day depending on how you count it. Either way it’s 28 hours a day.

Still loling at the bit about the bloggers posting with their toes! I love you Jack! You’re way tooo funny! Lucky Pat!

Hope you recover soon cause I can’t wait to read all those posts!

Am not a planner like you! I write circumstancially!

Could write a country song with this title : “I Love You More Than Blogging, Please Donâ€™t Leave Me”

FitÃ¨na

dayum!

i write my posts in 10 minutes usually. Cursory spell check and an automatic analysis of its readibility.

If its a bad day it takes hours. But im not good at writing ahead – probably why i’m always behind….

Your blog is a great read. Nothing is too out there for you to explore. I admire that. Last time I did something super weird on my blog, I got slammed so hard. I think I was talking about who is the biggest badass of all time.

You’re hurting me… How is it possible that you have so many topics lined up? I also try to do posts in advance, but I never manage more than one or two, and then I generally puke them up a few days after I did them, when I hit a huge block! Ugh.

One thing is confirmed, Jack has too much free time.

That’s quite the list you have going there! As for myself, I usually stare blankly at the “create new post” screen for a while before the verbal diarrhea begins.

Hooray For Me! I Have Blog Friends!

you have friends??? I had a friend once.

My Very Sweet Wife Got Very Angry With Me Today

well duuh.. you’re a man…

Advice Please : Iâ€™m Thinking of Quitting Blogging

don’t even joke like that, man! somethings just arent funny. like…polyester.

Self-Affirmation : Iâ€™m A Good Person and I Have a Good Life

when did you become brad pitt?

Open Letter To My Lovely Wife : I Love You More Than Blogging, Please Donâ€™t Leave Me

try “I love you more than chocolate itself”

I don’t think i should be thinking about Jack’s Colon…

My blog is definitely spazzy and all over the place because I am so spazzy and all over the place in my mind. I’ve lined out topics before and I’ve come to realize that when I tell myself what I’m going to write… I don’t want to write it lol. I’ve decided to just go with the day-to-day approach. I Sometimes I get in such a hurry typing that skip entire words in sentences and then forget to spell check. I need to slow down and chill more.

Laughing too much to comment.

Oh, wait, I just did?

How strange. LOL

I’m in the “spazzy” camp I would say. I write in Word and then post and half the time I forget a word or a sentence. It’s the thought that counts.

FitÃ¨na: I would record the song for you, but I don’t play a musical instrument, and me singing a capella is decidedly worse than the sound of drowning cats.

Fatty: Yeah if I were as incisive a thinker and as good a writer as you, I’d be doing way more posts off-the-cuff with one quick read through like you do.

Enemy of the Republic: I don’t know about that assessment- seems like almost all my posts are filled with penis, fart, booger, and poop jokes. Except maybe the one about the Indian kid. Because he’s a master of geography and I don’t want him hunting me down for making fun of his excessive booger problem.

Karen Little: Sorry to hurt you. Unless you’re a masochist, in which case- you’re welcome.

Cheeky: How’d you guess? Did my PhD in Underwater Basket Weaving give that away?

Bre: They should sell medication for verbal diarrhea. Actually, nobody would buy it for themselves. They should secretly mix it into chocolate bars and we can all buy them as gifts for our favorite talky aunts and uncles.

Doc-T:
you have friends??? I had a friend once.
I’ve known my friends since I was two. They are always by my side, over all these decades. It’s strange though, because nobody else can see or hear them.
donâ€™t even joke like that, man! somethings just arent funny. likeâ€¦polyester.
I never joke about my wardrobe dude.
I donâ€™t think i should be thinking about Jackâ€™s Colonâ€¦
That’s too bad. My colon was hoping to meet you- he wanted to be friends with your gerbil.

Rene Merced Jr: I think Ridalin helps for that.

Faltenin: Your strange is my normal.

Heather B.: Yes, it’s the thought that counts. Unless others are unable to read your thoughts, since nobody can telepathically collect them from your mind.

Don’t blame your hairy wrists on this.

Oooh. Bloggers Anonymous. I’m going to have to sit in on that one. Serious problems. Serious, serious. (glares at Fal who is undoubtedly nodding)

So…is the relapse AFTER your mantra and BA?

I love the preview of new posts. Tell me, can we use call ahead?:)

Awesome blog! Very funny! I’ll be back!

Actually, you write well.

I’m sure just about everyone here can relate to where you’re coming from.

That whole eating Chinese food while watching TV was me. Sorry. Will think of more profound topics to post on when not being nagged to death by other Bunions for free editing!

AWE: I also have hairy palms. You know what they say about guys with hairy palms.

Jenna Howard: Glad I am not alone. Falling off the wagon can occur at any time, even after inventing a cool new mantra.

Janet: Yes the posts will be waiting for you at the will call window. Have your credit card ready.

Diana: Much thanks, and hope you enjoy future posts. But if they suck, remember that I did warn everyone that this blog sucks.

XDell: Thank you. That is quite a compliment coming from you.

Dan(a?): I definitely understand. When I have to choose between blogging, Chinese food, and tv, it goes in reverse alphabetical order.

wow…bloggers anonymous? i should go to that…

sending good wishes for your poor colon!

Annush: Just be sure you use your alias and not your real name, I hear that bloggers are weird.

AMS: My poor colon thanks you. I should raise his allowance.

Too funny. Stinky greenies???!!! ROTFL!

Cliff: Yeah, they’re stinky and green. And now in the trash. Poor trash collector.

Oh come on, now, a stinky green bitch still needs pimpin’. Don’t be a hater.

M: Keep dat to yo’self, b***h! Donchu be tellin’ me how to do my pimpin’!

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I'm not particularly deep, clever, or knowledgeable. I'm also a pretty boring writer.

-Jack. Los Angeles, CA

You can email me at:
jack [at] suckyblog.com

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