Asphincter Says What?

In school, I was no science prodigy. I was just OK at biology. And I made a barely passable effort in chemistry.

pfd.jpgBut physics- well, that was even worse. In a failing effort to teach me relativity theory equations, one of my physics professors (whom I had driven to his wits’ end) came up with a special physics problem just for me involving an X-Wing Fighter flying past the Death Star at the speed of light. He hoped that my dense brain would finally wrap itself around the problem if the challenge appealed to my geeky nature.

I still got a C+.

Knowing how to take a hint, I never considered a career as a physician.

I do, though, have the privilege of knowing many highly competent and talented doctors. Most of their days, it seems, are fairly uneventful. But on occasion, as in every workplace, embarrassing and humorous moments do occur.

But funny moments at hospitals are always much more funny than episodes elsewhere.

Because they usually involve someone’s sphincter.

Always Use The Right Tools for the Job
After performing many physical exams supervised by her teaching physicians, a new intern began giving patients physicals on her own.

After a few solo sessions, the teaching physicians were perplexed. About halfway through each session, they kept hearing a sharp grunt or a muffled cry emanating from behind the exam room door.

k_y.jpgAfter hearing this audible anomaly a few times, one of the more experienced doctors decides to sit in on the new intern’s next physical, in case she had overlooked a step.

You guessed it: She gloved up for the rectal exam like every good doctor should (*sss-nap!*). But she forgot to use lubricant to *ahem* ease the discomfort.

Improvised Explosive Device
A patient comes in, complaining of being constipated for several days. They give her some oral laxatives and send her home.

It doesn’t seem to help. She returns. Her abdomen, naturally, is in a lot of pain at this point.

They admit her to the hospital. The doctors consult with each other to resolve the obstruction. They put her in stirrups and give her suppositories. And more suppositories.

This continues for a quite a while. She’s backed up. She’s lying down, in stirrups. They keep giving her suppositories. Nothing’s happening.

Finally, after a few days of this, one of the nurses hears a bursting sound (*BOOM*!!!) coming from the room.

The dam had burst. Or rather, exploded.

There was poop everywhere.

The linens.

The bed.

The floor.

The wall facing the bed.

Inside the air conditioning vent.

The poor nurses were none too happy about clean-up detail. But the backed up lady sure was happy her problem had finally cleared up.

You Say Tomato, I Say Rectal Exam
A doctor is giving a physical.

The patient speaks only Spanish.

The doctor learned Spanish in school. So, in his effort to communicate effectively, he conducts the physical en Espanol.

Or so he thinks.

The first part of the physical goes smoothly. Then comes the rectal exam (told you- every funny story involves someone’s sphincter).

The doctor explains the rectal exam procedure to the patient (in Spanish, of course). That the patient would have to turn around, partially disrobe, and bend over the exam table. That the doctor would then insert his finger into the patient’s rectum to check for abnormalities.

The doctor then leaves the room to get some supplies.

Upon returning, the patient is standing there in his hospital gown.

Underwear off.

Bending backwards.

With his own finger up his ass.

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Are these all for real or is this a case where we have to pick which are fake and which are real? I’ve got my money on the suppositories being very real.

Kevin: Sadly, they are all real! :)


There has cme a point in mymedical career where I find very few medicine-realted anecdores even vaguely amusing, but this was entertaining. I like the one with his finger up his ass especially.

I was once on a ward round where the prof was trying to get an old lady to demonstrate her rectal prolapse (you do this by straining like you want to take a dump, and your rectum kind of pops out). I was standing behind the old man, and started giggling like a six year old when the lady farted. I really thought it was just a little ‘pfffftt’ that had squeezed out, but imagine all of our delight when the prof turned around with poo splattered all over his glasses! Yum!

Oh my god, just read
‘they put her in stirrups and gave her supositories’
I’m quickly off to put the honeys to bed, get a big fat glass of wine and I’m back.

This promises to be a good read

Karen Little: I am laughing so hard at your story right now I can hardly type lol! That tops any story I’ve ever heard from my doctor friends!

RachH: Yes the stirrups and suppositories are awesome! Not responsible for any wine exiting your nostrils. :)

What was the look on the Spanish guy’s face, pleasure or pain.
Prob pain without the ky jelly.
Although…………you never can tell!!

Brilliant jakt

Jack and Karen, thank you for the excellent laugh. Ooo. Now I have “Will & Grace” on the mind.

Where’d you hear these stories? That second one sounds like an urban legend. Although I did hear about the elephant trainer (and this was in the news) who died after giving many suppositories to an elephant, and it shit on him so much that he died. I’m dead serious.

Rachh: O boy I wish I had a picture of that…facial expression and all!!!

Dagny: Always good to laugh on a Monday!

ABlondeBlogger: O no these are not urban legends. These are first hand accounts that I have heard from the people who were there. So you are hearing it secondhand from me. Including the second story. I heard the nurses were pretty angry, but laughing at the whole situation also I’m sure, knowing that gang’s capacity for levity.

In university I signed up for astronomy to fill a science credit. Imagine my shock to realize that astronomy and astrology are two different things. I was hoping for an easy term learning about if I was destined to marry a Tauras or a Cancer. Instead it was a nightmare.

Eileen: Hahaha that’s really funny. Looking through all those telescopes is bound to give one a headache!

Haha! That last one was the, ahem!… kicker.

JustRun: Right up the tuchus!!! :)

Knowing what they were working with, our physician forefathers should’ve chosen a better name than “sphincter.” We need something cooler to avoid the obvious risk of being the butt of jokes.

Hey, speaking of sphincters, wasn’t the doorway into Vger (Star Trek episode I) basically an intergalactic sphincter?

Jason Evans: Yeah shoulda called it BOOBS. Then we woulda just wanted to squeeze it! Or maybe we can all just start calling it VGER. Go to the doctor for your VGER exam. LOL! :)

I read the post title and I thought you were gonna blog about Wayne and Gsrth.

Boy was I surprised :)

Stephanie: Yep! Always keeping everyone guessing. Titles that are not relevant to the post- yet another reason SuckyBlog sucks!!! :)

My physics prof. in college was formerly the science director at the childrens museum. Lucky me, he taught at a 4th grade level and I never felt better about science in my life.

As for the pooping…..umm. OK!

Chantel: Boy, if only I had a professor like that. Although I guess I can’t say that mine didn’t try! (Star Wars…heh heh).

As we say here in Oz – up yer bum.

Ass jokes never cease to be funny! I have a friend who always makes the “phffft” noise when an especially opportune bend-over is taking place. Always cracks me up :)

I swear sometimes I think I need a dummies for dummies book because even with the so-called simple instructions, I don’t always have a clue what the hell they are talking about.

Kinda gross. But funny!

OMG! They’re real stories? That’s it. I’m never going to a hospital again (unless I’m unconscious and hve no awareness of my immediate surroundings) 😉

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

Eeeeewwwwww!!! Haaa Haaaa! Eeeewwwwwww!!! Haa Ha hAAAA!
(Just sounds funny when used together!)
So what wass the reference to Physics again? study MOTION???

I knew there were damn good reasons I decided against being a doctor!

For some reason, I’m dizzy after reading this post.

Wow! Quelle classe! lol! Really Jackt, I didn’t see this one on the list of your forthcoming posts. Did you not mention it on purpose!? lol!


OMG! I wanna puke! Jack, I haven’t eaten my dinner yet! OMG! The last (sick) joke makes me wanna puke…and laugh! 😛

And you knwo this because? Oh ok your friends told you.

If I get nothing but the word SMURF commented…

actually i dont remember where i was going with that thought.

Because they usually involve someone’s sphincter.

Ain’t it the truth?!

You guessed it: She gloved up for the rectal exam like every good doctor should (*sss-nap!*). But she forgot to use lubricant to *ahem* ease the discomfort.

that sss-nap! is sooo distinctive. Even if you’ve NEVER had a prostate exam, you somehow just KNOW what’s coming.

I was in the E.R. sometimes back.. turned out it was just a severe asthma attack but it was giving me sharp pains where my heart is supposed to be.

the nurse in charge of putting the sticky pads on my ches so they could hook up the EKG, opened a box and pulled out what, to me, looked like a bulky sort of razor.

She needed to shave a few spots on my chest to make sure the electrodes stuck.

So, she preceeds to drag it through the hair on my chest.


but softer and in a more many fashion.

I look at the bulkry razor and notice it has an on switch. we got through that one.

it wasnt pleasant but if i HAD to choose between the prostate exam without lubricant, or the shaves by torture… I’d choose bowling.

HA! That was freakin’ HILARIOUS! I’m glad no one here at work asked what I was laughing at…

I think the day anyone has to stick anything up my ass, I’m going to have to unconscious. *shudder*

I guess he literally got the point.

I had put a spoonful of cereal into my mouth right before I read that last line. The cereal kind of ‘exploded’ out of my mouth. Funny shit.

so pleased I turned that job down at the sphincter injuries clinic now…
brilliant jackt….Not sure if I want my 2nd dinner, sorry supper, now! You’ve cured me!!

Oy. That’s all I can say.


PS – the last one was the best.

Gav: Up yours too!!! :)

Darling Nikki: Yes you are 100% correct. There are only three sure things in life- death, taxes, and funny ass jokes.

Janet: I have a Dummies for Super Dummies Named Jack book!!! They published it just for me. It’s only one page though. It says “Just give up and hang yourself now.” Yours would be much more extensive, as you are smarter.

Jamie: More like kinda funny but definitely gross! :)

Fresh Ink: You missed the extra line in the 2000 A.D. one: “That’ll be $800 for the root.”

Reflextion: Hahaha that’s really funny…the combination of Ew and Ha. I can’t study motion- I get motion sickness.

ChickyBabe: Yes. That applies to both of us. But yours has to do with avoiding unpleasant experiences. Mine has to do with incompetence. :)

Neil: I know, sphincter jokes do that to people.

Fitèna: Yes the upcoming posts got deleted so I am starting over. Which is fine since I have a limitless reservoir of sphincter jokes, apparently.

MLin: Please don’t puke while having dinner. Unless you like eating arugula salad with a cream of vomit dressing. 😉

SJ: Yes, these are stories I’ve heard, not experienced. I don’t need a doctor to stick a finger up my ass. I have plastic toys for that. :)

Doc-T: One day I am going to steal your use of SMURF. And I guarantee it will get added to Webster’s Dictionary as well. I am glad you helped the nurse figure out how to turn on the razor. Hahaha. :)

Liberal Banana: Nothing to it, having something stuck up your ass that is. If Katie Couric can do it, so can you.

AWE: Yes, right up the tuchus.

Heather B.: Unfortunately sucky blog cannot be responsible for keyboards damaged by half chewed cereal and milk. :)

Mads: Hahaha supper is ALWAYS necessary, btw. And you should take the sphincter clinic job. Think of all the ass jokes you will have from that one job.

Megan: Vay.

Jamie: Yes, I love that last one. When my friend told it to me (he was the doctor) I laughed for about 20 minutes.

Ew. Just… Ew. I grew up with medical type people who like to swap war stories… there’s just something alluring about out-grossing someone!

Nothing like a shity arse post to keep the hordes amused 😛

Bre: Yeah it’s sadistic. But Karen Little (see her comment above) totally out-grossed me!!!

Steph: Yes. When all else fails, throw up a post about shity arses.

*LOL* Oh good ending…will definitely put tat in the next time I use this joke. Thanks! 😉

I’d believe it. I live with three nurses. The maternity ward stories are the worst – better than any contraception.

Those who study physics become physicists not physicians…it’s a good thing you don’t have a medical degree or we’d all be getting colonoscopies instead of throat exams.

Fresh Ink: Yes. Make sure you clarify whether that’s $800 US or $800 Sing!!!

AMS: Three nurses…I can only imagine the stories.

XXX: Dude!!! Are you, like, that extreme sports hero-turned-secret agent?! That’s awesome!!!! 😉

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