In school, I was no science prodigy. I was just OK at biology. And I made a barely passable effort in chemistry.
But physics- well, that was even worse. In a failing effort to teach me relativity theory equations, one of my physics professors (whom I had driven to his wits’ end) came up with a special physics problem just for me involving an X-Wing Fighter flying past the Death Star at the speed of light. He hoped that my dense brain would finally wrap itself around the problem if the challenge appealed to my geeky nature.
I still got a C+.
Knowing how to take a hint, I never considered a career as a physician.
I do, though, have the privilege of knowing many highly competent and talented doctors. Most of their days, it seems, are fairly uneventful. But on occasion, as in every workplace, embarrassing and humorous moments do occur.
But funny moments at hospitals are always much more funny than episodes elsewhere.
Because they usually involve someone’s sphincter.
Always Use The Right Tools for the Job
After performing many physical exams supervised by her teaching physicians, a new intern began giving patients physicals on her own.
After a few solo sessions, the teaching physicians were perplexed. About halfway through each session, they kept hearing a sharp grunt or a muffled cry emanating from behind the exam room door.
After hearing this audible anomaly a few times, one of the more experienced doctors decides to sit in on the new intern’s next physical, in case she had overlooked a step.
You guessed it: She gloved up for the rectal exam like every good doctor should (*sss-nap!*). But she forgot to use lubricant to *ahem* ease the discomfort.
Improvised Explosive Device
A patient comes in, complaining of being constipated for several days. They give her some oral laxatives and send her home.
It doesn’t seem to help. She returns. Her abdomen, naturally, is in a lot of pain at this point.
They admit her to the hospital. The doctors consult with each other to resolve the obstruction. They put her in stirrups and give her suppositories. And more suppositories.
This continues for a quite a while. She’s backed up. She’s lying down, in stirrups. They keep giving her suppositories. Nothing’s happening.
Finally, after a few days of this, one of the nurses hears a bursting sound (*BOOM*!!!) coming from the room.
The dam had burst. Or rather, exploded.
There was poop everywhere.
The wall facing the bed.
Inside the air conditioning vent.
The poor nurses were none too happy about clean-up detail. But the backed up lady sure was happy her problem had finally cleared up.
You Say Tomato, I Say Rectal Exam
A doctor is giving a physical.
The patient speaks only Spanish.
The doctor learned Spanish in school. So, in his effort to communicate effectively, he conducts the physical en Espanol.
Or so he thinks.
The first part of the physical goes smoothly. Then comes the rectal exam (told you- every funny story involves someone’s sphincter).
The doctor explains the rectal exam procedure to the patient (in Spanish, of course). That the patient would have to turn around, partially disrobe, and bend over the exam table. That the doctor would then insert his finger into the patient’s rectum to check for abnormalities.
The doctor then leaves the room to get some supplies.
Upon returning, the patient is standing there in his hospital gown.
With his own finger up his ass.