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Sauna My Ass

To visit an emporium of manufactured goods that perform curiously strange functions, there’s no need to leave the comfort of your living room. All those late night TV commercials sell so many strange things. And in my half-awake state late at night, some of them actually seem worth buying. Good thing I lock up my credit cards.

But for this one, I had to wake my wife up at 3 am and coerce her to relinquish my credit card from her safekeeping (I won’t say how I did it, but it involved splashing her face with cold water until she woke up and started yelling).

Once Operation Credit Card was accomplished, I went and ordered myself The Sauna Belt. Yes, you read it right. It’s a sauna. In a belt. Incroyable, I know. Because (excerpt from ad copy) “Now you wonâ€™t need to leave the house to work up a sweat, with Sauna Belt you can just relax in the comfort of your own home.”

I really dislike leaving the house. And I hate doing anything strenuous just to work up a sweat. I would much prefer to sit at home and sweat, with a can of Cheez Whiz within arm’s length. As long as I strap that Sauna Belt on my ass, my ass is gonna look bitchin’. That’s what they show in the picture, so it must be true.

Just think about the possibilities. Finns everywhere in Finland will venture forth into the vast unknown reaches of the un-sauna’d world. Perhaps they’ll pack their Sauna Belts and cross entire oceans to exotic lands where non-Nokia mobile phones abound (*gasp*).

They should come up with a battery-powered version. So that on your next plane flight, you can be flanked by Sauna Belt-wearing passengers, beads of sweat trickling down their faces just inches from your shoulders. Just hope that your fellow passengers didn’t eat anything stinky prior to boarding. Unless you prefer the fine scent of Eau de Garlic, of course.

So when I say “Sauna My Ass”, I’m not being flippant or derogatory. Nor am I implying that The Sauna Belt is not a sauna. I’m saying “please strap a Sauna Belt on my ass”, so I can work up a sweat in the comfort of my home. And sport a bitchin’ ass.

tags :: humor : Sauna Belt : As Seen On TV

52 Comments so far
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Hilarious.

Cheese Whiz at arms length — priceless.

You need to get out more often. Then you could hit the “As Seen on TV” store to pick up your gadgets. Of course, if you see something that you really must have and there is a delay in getting the credit card, you can always visit the website.

I have to hide credit cards when the late night Time-Life commercials come on. “70s Music Explosion”? Hold me back.

Did you want to sauna your ass or her’s?

Sandra Dee: Cheez Whiz always deserves a mention.

Dagny: I NEED that 70s explosion. And a disco ball. I didn’t realize they have “As Seen on TV” stores!

AWE: 1) Good point. 2) No comment.

If you’re going to use that belt anywhere else on your body, may I suggest doing so before you strap it to your ass?

They should combine that with the machine that supposedly “shakes” your abs into 6-packs. 2-for-one!

Another As Seen on TV invention that boggles my mind with how lazy you’d have to be to buy it: the hard-boiled egg peeler. Wha???

The last time I saw an “As Seen on TV” store was while rolling through Solvang. I stopped for the cookies but then I saw the store and knew I had died and gone to heaven.

Who knew?! All this time I thought I was wasting in a chair, I could be saunaing my ass.

Ass, ass, everywhere and not a ….

I shouldn’t finish that. But it DOES seem to be the theme, does it not?

So, really, the word “sauna” is used as a verb here. Nice. I’m going to work it into a conversation today.

Ewww…images of sweaty garlic smelling people are filling my head!

I’ll take one of each in large and small.

I will leave the ass alone, but I actually disagree with your profile–you write well!

Why would I want to sauna my ass? It’s taken 43 years to uhm, construct it to its current dimensions.

Thanks for poking around my blog again. That kid with the snake is my 7 year old Girlie and her toy snake, Sara. Sara goes EVERYWHERE with Girlie. So I always draw Girlie and Sara together in my cartoons. Cheers.

Kevin: I only have time for one smokin’ body part. Ass it is.

Hope: O yes the ab machine plus the absauna would be AWESOME!

Dagny: Wow. In Solvang, no less.

JustRun: Yes, I am saunaing my ass as we speak. Ass Saunaing and blogging are a good combination.

Mocha: Yes, sauna is a verb primarily, even though it’s a noun. But it’s a Finnish word anyway so we English speakers can use it however we want.

ABlondeBlogger: I love garlic actually, but I don’t like to smell it on other people’s sweat.

Chantel: I got mine in XXXXXXXXL.

Enemy of the Republic: Thanks for the compliment, but no. Untrue. Also I would comment on your blog but IT DOESN’T RENDER!!!! You need a template fixer I think.

Wendy Boucher: You can also sauna other parts of your body that may not be so near and dear-riere. Arms, legs, head, pinky toe- you name it, the PortaSauna can sauna its ass.

Wait, you woke your wife up at 3 a.m AND she actually relinquished the credit card to you?

I smell a rat. Want a bit of Cheez Whiz on that trap?

we all know sauna’s dont do anything except help you sweat out water which you gain again immediately when you eat or drink…

that said, why should my arse get a sauna when i dont? hmm i dont have enough ass to sauna…

Do let us know if and when u get ur bitchin’ ass, k (I’m assuming the belt is for u)

So do we get before and after shots of said ass once you get the goods?

What would your ass sauna be without the as seen on TV “Spin Spa” follow-up? I bought one and it rocks!

Edgy Mama: Hard to believe I know, but I have a way with women. It’s called bribery.

Fatty: Haha I certainly have enough ass for two saunas!

Fresh Ink: Yeah it’s gonna bitch for sure, but I don’t know if it’ll be bitchin’, per se.

ChickyBabe: I would be happy to oblige, but your screen ain’t wide enough.

Aza: Oooo if I spend too much time shopping for that stuff I’d be even more poor than I am now!

Hmmm that model for the Sauna belt seems to ahave bitchin’ ass already…you ar ebeign cheated by all those TV commericals they are not worth the airwaves they are beamed on. Check your mail instead and see all the great offers there. I think they are called bulk mnails because of the bulk discounts offered.

send me one…pronto

lol! You’re da best mon!!!
Are you a metro sexuel?!

FitÃ¨na

Big butts are good on gals (I have’nt got around to looking at guys butts yet!!)….why you shrinking your buttocks??? eh?? why I say???

I hope they don’t re-sell returned stock.

Never fear, I got mine today using my Easy Reacher to pick up the phone so I didn’t disrupt my Urban Rebounding routine while covered in Blue Relief – Thanks Magic Bullet!?!

SJ: O Yes, I have ordered some Viagra from a shop in Romania. Their English wasn’t very good, but they said that it’s real and they even knew my email address, so I ordered from them. It’s been about six months since I ordered but I haven’t received the goods yet. Do you think I should call them?

Cruisin-Mom: No problem. Please mail a check for $257.53 to my PO Box to ensure prompt delivery.

FitÃ¨na: I would only be a metrosexual if I used a Sauna Belt that was lavender with pink stripes, and tucked my shirt into it.

Reflextion: I like big buts and I cannot lie! My ana-conda don’t wan’t none unless you got buns, hun! Baby got back!

Gav: They only re-sell the ones that men have worn on their frontsides.

Darling Nikki: You are much much too familiar with all these gadgets. Perhaps from personal use. Which makes you my new personal hero.

Sauna belt?

You know, there are other things you could be waking your wife up for at 3 in the morning that work up a sweat. And you wouldn’t have to leave the house.

At long last I can fill the void in my life. A sauna belt. ahhhh

I agree with Annie D. If I was your wife and you woke me up at 3am for anything else other than a quick game of trains and tunnels, I would be mighty mad with your ass! Sauna’d or not!

Annie D: I wouldn’t have to leave the house, but that alternate activity is much more strenuous than sitting around with the Sauna Belt strapped to my ass.

Eileen: Yes, the sauna Belt is what everyone with a void in their life needs.

Rachh: Trains and tunnels is especially fun if you install little Christmas lights on the train. Or the tunnel.

Eat a bowl of lentil soup. Put on a Saran Warp diaper. Wait ten minutes. Sauna time.

They only re-sell the ones that men have worn on their frontsides.

Hmmmm, that’s not much better.

Greg: That’s a really good idea. But I don’t need the lentil soup.

Gav: Definitely not better. Probably worse.

I did love you but now I’m not so sure…

Russell Allen: Story of my life, man.

I need one of those “sauna my asses” thing… can ya send me one… postage paid… and maybe use it for me too?… yeah, that’s it… use it for me too!

I wanna to see the “bitchin ass”. Please post a picture or four. LOL

I’m not a fan of a sweaty anus.
EWW, is the only thought that comes to mind.

lol!
About what you said aout the screen aint being wide enough, its no problem. No false “pretext”, just shoot the shots!

FitÃ¨na

All this exercise, and healthy food, and I could have gotten the same results just by saunaing…who knew?

There’s an As Seen on TV store at the mall near my mother’s house. Sadly, I’ve never seen anyone go in there, but if I do, I’ll probably just laugh.

Question, does it work on other parts of the body as well?

Stephanie: Yes if only we could have other people sauna our asses for us, that’d be the ultimate.

Nikki: Please see prior response to similar request above (screen aint’ wide enough).

Steph: The anus is a natural ventilation outlet and a properly functioning anus is integral to the function of the Sauna Belt when it’s used on the ass.

FitÃ¨na: I did shoot the shots of my ass with the Sauna Belt, but then discovered that also my camera does not have a wide angle lens. Then I tried to shrink the picture so it would fit on the screen but my photo software didn’t allow me to and sent an error message saying “Who are you trying to kid?”.

Kimananda: Yes no kidding. Good thing I didn’t do any exercise or eat healthy food before this.

Heather B.: Why would you want to use it anywhere else, when it fits so nicely on one’s ass? (but yes, it’s pictured on various body parts).

In that case Jack do consider renaming this blog from SUckyblog to Suckerblog

SJ: Are you implying you don’t think the Viagra will ever get here? But they said it would and that I could trust them!

Blimey!

Missy: Geez! (American translation)

Whoever said your ass isn’t “Bitchin” already?

Why do people need help sweating?

lol! Jacques, je t’adore!!!

FitÃ¨na

Doc-T: If only you could see… my ass is definitely not bitchin’ right now.

FitÃ¨na: Merci! Me no speako Spanisho!

If someone asks you to strap on anything that’s not a tool belt or a flashlight, be afraid, very afraid.

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I'm not particularly deep, clever, or knowledgeable. I'm also a pretty boring writer.

-Jack. Los Angeles, CA

You can email me at:
jack [at] suckyblog.com

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