Sauna My Ass

sotv.jpgTo visit an emporium of manufactured goods that perform curiously strange functions, there’s no need to leave the comfort of your living room. All those late night TV commercials sell so many strange things. And in my half-awake state late at night, some of them actually seem worth buying. Good thing I lock up my credit cards.

But for this one, I had to wake my wife up at 3 am and coerce her to relinquish my credit card from her safekeeping (I won’t say how I did it, but it involved splashing her face with cold water until she woke up and started yelling).

sb.jpgOnce Operation Credit Card was accomplished, I went and ordered myself The Sauna Belt. Yes, you read it right. It’s a sauna. In a belt. Incroyable, I know. Because (excerpt from ad copy) “Now you won’t need to leave the house to work up a sweat, with Sauna Belt you can just relax in the comfort of your own home.”

I really dislike leaving the house. And I hate doing anything strenuous just to work up a sweat. I would much prefer to sit at home and sweat, with a can of Cheez Whiz within arm’s length. As long as I strap that Sauna Belt on my ass, my ass is gonna look bitchin’. That’s what they show in the picture, so it must be true.

nok.jpgJust think about the possibilities. Finns everywhere in Finland will venture forth into the vast unknown reaches of the un-sauna’d world. Perhaps they’ll pack their Sauna Belts and cross entire oceans to exotic lands where non-Nokia mobile phones abound (*gasp*).

eau.jpgThey should come up with a battery-powered version. So that on your next plane flight, you can be flanked by Sauna Belt-wearing passengers, beads of sweat trickling down their faces just inches from your shoulders. Just hope that your fellow passengers didn’t eat anything stinky prior to boarding. Unless you prefer the fine scent of Eau de Garlic, of course.

So when I say “Sauna My Ass”, I’m not being flippant or derogatory. Nor am I implying that The Sauna Belt is not a sauna. I’m saying “please strap a Sauna Belt on my ass”, so I can work up a sweat in the comfort of my home. And sport a bitchin’ ass.

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Doc-T: If only you could see… my ass is definitely not bitchin’ right now.

Fitèna: Merci! Me no speako Spanisho!

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