Splish Splash

urinal.jpgEver take a pee at a public bathroom urinal? A gold star for the ladies who have, for inhuman hoo ha control. The guys of course get nothing, since I know from personal experience that you all miss the target.

So you stand at the urinal to do your business, then you get splashed with tiny droplets of … Ew. Sometimes all the stars will align and the splashing will cause a stray pubic hair to somersault out of the urinal, just missing your left foot as it swan dives toward the floor.

Splashing can occur while you pee, where your own pee is doing the splashing. But that’d be your own fault, because if your wee wee is short and the pee has to travel farther than the recommended distance for a controlled stream, it gathers velocity on its downward trajectory (it’s called “gravity”), hence creating a bigger splash. (Hint for all you splashers: Pee onto the back wall of the urinal, not directly down.)

Splashing also often occurs, though, after you’ve flushed an overzealous urinal with no sense of flow control. I hate it when urinals get emotional like that. They were made to be pee’d on- what do they have to get so upset over?

Either way, you get at least a few tiny little splashes of that nasty urinal water on some part of you, whether it be your thighs, knees, ankles, feet, or toes. This is problematic for shorts-wearers everywhere, if the splashing occurs at knee-height or below.

And don’t even get me started on the gunk on public bathroom floors. It gets on the soles of your shoes and the tips of your shoelaces. Think on that next time you tie your laces.

Then go wash your hands.

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45 Comments so far
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This is why I just pee in the bushes.

The Savoy in London is one of the few places I’ve been where they have splashguards. However, it is not midget friendly.

In terms of disconcerting urination, I once stopped at petrol station in France on the highway. I saw a sign with an arrow to a door signalling ‘Mens’ & ‘Public Phone’. Who woulda guessed that the phone was right next to the urinals. Hello Ladies! Every needs the phone right at this very second do they?

Please fix all the errors in my previous comment. I am very tired and lazy and illiterate. But you knew that already. Thanks in advance

Try growing up in the middle east as a child and those are some toilets to complain about! Cockroaches at no extra cost..

P.s. I think most girls would agree that it’s all in the aim.

Eeew, I may never tie my shoes (or especially my son’s shoes) again.

The Retropolitan: Yes, if only there were bushes everywhere… :)

Russell Allen: Midget friendly urinals are also friendly for the well hung. Or so I’ve heard.

Mads: I’ve never been to the Middle East, but I have seen some nasty ones in my travels that sound like what you’re describing. And don’t even get me started on third world bathrooms that don’t feature soap. Ew.

Mom of All Seasons: Yeah makes us all want to go out and get slip ons.

Why can’t you guy do anything without pissing on your hands!!

And wash your hands with soap! FOR MORE THAN 3 SECONDS! Scrub ‘em good, you dirty bastards!

On behalf of women everywhere who always wondered what happened in men’s rooms- I wish you hadn’t told us.

Yuck. I’ve never been so happy to have to sit on a seat, or, in some cases, hover over a seat.

I am absurdly happy that I have to sit down to pee. Urinals sound disgusting. Hideous. How do you guys cope with them? And more importantly, how is it that you can come away from one of those places without sterilising yourslef, and then hold your girlfriend’s hand with a clear conscience? Yuk.

You never bothered to mention the handles on the toilets to flush them, the knobs on the sink, or the handles on the doors that get all kinds of shit on them from the people that either don’t wash their hands or don’t wash well. It’s a nasty prospect.

SJ: We like its moisturizing effect. Keeps the bugs away too.

Liberal Banana: Yeah that’s a whole nother thing to rant about. Hand washing. There’s just no excuse.

Eileen: True, true… Once it’s out of the box you can never put it back.

JustRun: In some countries people take off their shoes and squat on the seat. No joke. I’ve seen it on a few vacations. You must have super strong legs if you can hover like that.

Karen Little: I’d sterilize if there were sterilizing apparati available!

Kevin: All those things you touch…that’s what my elbow is for.

Hey man, being splashed with microsopic droplets of your own urine still beats the hell out of the thigh strain that comes with the “Public Toilet Ass-Hovering Over the Seat Trick” that we chicks learn about in Girl School.

Thank you for the education, lol. I hate to disappoint you but most women’s rooms are not in much better shape. It seems that some women lack the hoo-haa control to hit that HUGE hole in the seat and end up spraying the entire seat (and most of the floor around it). And while you may get to watch the pubic hair swan dive, imagine the conundrum when you walk in a stall and one has been conveniently placed on the seat! There’s a reason why women hover over the seat.

In other words, your wife’s shoes & laces are probably not any cleaner than yours.

Penny Karma: It’s not just your own urine, unfortunately, but your point is well taken. At least there’s no deliberate skin-on-gross contact.

Angie: That’s gotta be a pretty out of control hoo ha to miss while sitting on the toilet. It’s kinda like the basketball equivalent of a slam dunk, it seems would seem to me. :)

Only managed to pee in a urinal once, and was very drunk even to attempt it. Cant comment on the outcome as don’t remember doing it, The photo is the only evidence. Good post jack, ignore the loyalty thing, got my jackt and doct muddled up, it was inevitable at some time.

Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Well piss on you then” doesn’t it.

Eww… TMI! No wonder I know a couple of guys who never use them and always opt for the cublicles.

It’s even worse when you have to take kids in who have no idea how disgusting urinals are and don’t make much of an attempt to remain ‘pee-free’. My boy once put his hand ON a urinal to balance.

Yes, Ewwwwwww. Needless to say he was scrubbed to within an inch of his life.

Girls can suffer from “splashback” too. Especially after a long night on the grog.
Nothing worse than toilet water hitting your arse cheeks.

i need to wash my hands just reading that… eww.

Ummm…I just can’t seem to get past the term…”hoo ha”.

Rachh: OK now you must post that photo. And how could you confuse me and Doc-T? I attract zero drama w/ readers. He attracts … erm, slightly more than zero. ;)

Nikki: Yes you are right. AND I was also recently that “pissed” means one thing in the U.S. (angry) and another in the U.K. (drunk). Blimey! (yet another word I just learned).

ChickyBabe: I’ve actually found it a bit illogical to not use urinals, as dirty as they are- at least there’s no skin to surface contact, plus it’s much faster than wipe wipe sit sit.

Gav: Yeah as long as they don’t put food on them it’s washable. But nevertheless gross.

Steph: That’s pretty gross- toilet water… ew.

Fatty: Hahaha yes it’s definitely ew.

Cruisin-Mom: Yes I try to keep SuckyBlog family-friendly … ok I am a miserable failure at that- let’s settle with “not too vulgar”. :) So I try to stick to “hoo ha” and “vageegee”.

i hate starbucks…

thats why i always piss at/on their facilities.. if its a miss, i don’t really care cause it gets the employees mad , creates bad work ethic , which in turn provides crappy service, pissing off customers and lowering the bottom line..

all this by pissing on Starbucks floor… i think i’ll make another trip tonight..

Hi,

For some outthere reason, I Google toilet jokes and came across this site…Think u’ll like it ;-)

Gizmodo – The gadgets weblog

Thank you for the very enlightening post Jack. This will be of great help when I come in my next life as a man.
lol! The things you write Jack! :-)

fitèna

dietchilicheesefries: I got a Starbucks gift certificate for you right here.

Fresh Ink: Yeah I have heard many great things about those toilets that wash your arse. I need to try one sometime. As soon as I can confirm that it properly sterilizes itself between uses.

fitèna: When all else fails, blog about gross stuff. It’s sure to get a reaction, for better or worse! :)

Sounds almost as much fun as “hovering”

It sounds terrible and it definitely looks nasty, but more germs are found on door handles and in kitchen sinks than in and around public restrooms.

That’s not to say I don’t wash my hands. I do. I’m just not one of the concerned men in the restroom. “Wow. It smells like piss in here.” Then I do what I got to do and head out. I don’t think twice about it.

Plus, I work on construction site regularly and no public restroom can hold a candle to the dreaded “port-a-potty”!!!

urination never seemed so technical before…

smurf…. i hope I don’t start putting too much thought into it now… you HAD to go and mention velocity and accelleration… and naturally we’re talking fluid dynamics here but what’s interesting is that this is fluid dynmaics NOT in a confined system… Comservation of momentum is no longer a good assumption and that means…

Smurf.. see??? it’s already happening. Thanks Jack

Angie’s right. The men’s room is often much cleaner than the women’s. I don’t know what happens to women when they get behind that door, but they leave all kinds of stuff on the seat and floor. That’s why sometimes I go to the men’s room — much cleaner and plenty of toilet paper.

This post also made me think of Mexico. In a lot of areas the plumbing is bad so you cannot flush paper. In those cases there is a small garbage can next to the toilet. My mother learned the hard way to never have a garbage can in the bathroom because folks make assumptions about why you put it there.

AMS: I’m just hearing about this hovering thing now from this post. I had no clue…

Rene Merced Jr: Yeah those port-a-potties are GROSS.

Doc-T: You are a true scientist. But don’t think. Just pee.

Dagny: Yeah on my travels I’ve run into all kinds of nasty bathroom setups. Sounds a lot like what you describe!

Are you really trying to compare your ease of being able to stand up and go, to the ladies tribulations of dealing with disgusting stalls, toilet seats and having to HOVER?

I didn’t think so :D

Honestly, how to you guys walk around with those things!

Stephanie: OK I just learned about this hovering thing! I didn’t know you ladies had to HOVER! Give a guy a break!!! :)

Jodie: Some of us more comfortably than others, I’m afraid to say. ;)

Fitena stole my comment, LOL! I can’t hover – who the hell can pee while all tensed up like that?? So I have to mummify the seat in toilet paper. *snort*

Candace is a Geek: I was thinking about that hovering problem myself, but apparently lots of women can hover and pee based on the comments so far!

I can die now knowing this information. Once, on a dare, I peed in the urinal. Who knew I had inhuman hoo-ha control? Wow. Learn something new every day…

hahahaha…
i should write a post on what it feels like for a girl to have to pee in a public bathroom…

Suddenly very glad to be a woman. Very, very glad.

Despite this.

Don’t forget when you’re in a drunken pub, and you head to the urnial, only to find the entire floor wet – with the exception of two footprint dry patches where the last innebriated patron was standing. Ergh.

Mocha: Hahaha yes you can join the X-Men with your special power! :)

Annush: Yeah I’ve been hearing about that through all these comments… didn’t know that so much hovering was going on!

Thérèse: I guess grossness affects people of all genders.

Jeut: Yuck. I hate pub restrooms.

First off, it looks like you’ve got some pissy readers. This lovely, refreshing like lemonade and highly descriptive post about pee has 4 more comments than the post about your sucky break.

:)

Second, I just have to say, in defense of all men who consistently miss and splash – innocently or intentionally – that there is a device out there that just might help – the female urinal cup found at Burning Man. It’s a canoe shape cup with an opening that’s attached to a long tube. And every year the good people of Burning Man hand these out for all the women who don’t feel like supporting themselves in the porta potty with both hands pushed against the walls, squatting over the toilet while looking down to make sure her clothes and ass don’t touch the poop-n-pee stained seat. Yeah, you ladies know what I’m talking about. So gents, you may need to travel to Black Rock City for one of these handy vaginal urine dispensers, but hey, it just might be worth the $1000 week long trip to BM so Mr. Sucky Blog here doesn’t post YOUR picture, labeled: THIS GUY IS A PEE SPLASHER – BEWARE!

Third, now that you’re on hiatus, Mr. Sucky, I have all this free time to catch up on the rest of your posts. So don’t come back too soon, ’cause I’m a slow reader.

(I think this is the longest comment I’ve ever written.)



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