Sucky Blog » Gary C and The Carved Up Weiner

Gary C and The Carved Up Weiner

I went to school with a legend. No, it’s not Michael Jordan, Martin Scorsese, or Pee Wee Herman. His name is Gary C. Back in the day, Gary was the ultimate master of mischief. In the suburban town where I went to school, his reputation precedes him.

The ironic thing, though, is that Gary had a knack for kissing parents’ asses with unabashed flair and enthusiasm. (A result of his having the most outgoing and well-mannered parents in the neighborhood, who taught their children to be equally warm and sincere.) “Why, Mrs. Jackt’s Mom, thank you for making us this wonderful dinner. It is so delicious, I could eat this every day. This chicken is simply delightful. May I please have a second helping?” He spoke like that as a kid. Literally. Parents ate it up.

In fourth grade, Gary took a hot dog and carved one end of it to resemble a penis. He then stuck it part-way into his fly and zipped back up to hold it in place. He ran around at recess with his makeshift weiner-cock hanging out of his pants, dangling and bouncing around everywhere. His teacher nearly fainted.

In middle school, he would tie a headband on (we grew up in a post-Rambo era), strap himself up with the brat’s weapons of choice (Super Soaker, water balloons, rolls of toilet paper, and bottle rockets), and set traps for little old ladies driving around the neighborhood. He was like a teenage TP ninja.

In high school, Gary would sneak his own drawings into our history teacher’s roll of transparencies. Quite amusing when Dr. F. has to pause his European History lecture because everyone’s laughing at the giant green middle finger on the projector screen.

One day, Gary decided to play a prank on our classmate Caroline. Caroline lived across the street, and had this dog named Baryshnikov (she was a dancer- can you tell?). So Gary took a sausage, two meatballs, and some red tomato sauce and put them all into a clear plastic bag. He then made a sign that said “Baryshnikov” and nailed the bag and sign to Caroline’s front door with his Rambo hunting knife.

We all had a good laugh over that one at our high school reunion. Too bad Caroline wasn’t there to kick Gary’s ass.

tags :: humor : pranks : childhood memories

33 Comments so far
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Was his weiner all beef or was it a turkey dog?

I am so glad I did not go to school with Gary. And Kevin just made me cry. Thank goodness there is no one else around to wonder why I have suddenly lost my mind.

I probably would’ve kicked his ass out of sympathy for poor Caroline.

I would have high-fived him. What the hell kind of social deviant kid has a dog named Baryshnikov?

That’s total Bully Fodder.

Kinda like dressing a little boy in a seersucker suit and bowtie and then sending him out on the playground just to watch him get his ass kicked.

How brilliant, every class needs a social deviant. I bet he’s a bank manager now.
Thanks for the laugh

Yeah, what is he doing now? I’d guess postal worker.

Gary,

Where ever you are…I love you. You are so cool. I’m so thankful that we didn’t go to school together, but I think you’re funny.

xoxo

Tag, you’re it!

*runs away*

Did he ever play practical jokes on you boys too or was it just innocents? I think I would have nailed his ass along with the bag that was supposed to be the dog

One of my cousins has a friend like that now… it worries me.

I’m glad that story didn’t head where I thought it would. I was sure we were going to have to read about penis mutilation.

Phew!!

Gary was one scary kid!

Gary DEFINITELY sounds like someone I could have hung out with. Those are too kewl.

Did it ever get to the point that when some mischief occured the teacher or parents went, “GARY!!!!!”

So, where is Gary now? What is he like as a grown up?

I’d love to play a practical joke on the Gary’s of this world to se if they can take it!

Ha! High school reunions, can’t wait for that; I imagine it to be rather like that bag of ‘Baryshnikov’.

Kevin: Tofu.

Dagny: Yes please don’t cry. It may cause mayhem at work.

The Retropolitan: No he and Caroline have a very fond sibling-like affection for each other. They’ve known each other since they were really little.

Penny Karma: Man I wanna hear about the asses you kicked in school, based on your comment!!!

Mads: No he’s definitely not a bank manager!!!

Kimananda: Hahaha yeah that way he can “go postal”. He doesn’t work for the post office, but he does love guns though.

Nikki: I will tell Gary you sent him a love letter. I’m not responsible for any stalking that results.

Stephanie: I’ve solemnly sworn to not spread nasty rumors, diseases, or internet games. Sorry!

Rachh: No we were usually his partners in crime (a key point I left out!).

JustRun: Uh oh that’s not good. Stay away and be afraid. Gary though, despite his shenanigans, was harmless and has a heart of gold.

Gav: Thank you for spelling out p***s m********n in my blog. Now I will get all kinds of freaks coming here via Google search.

Fresh Ink: Heart of gold, actually. But yes a little scary for the little old ladies driving around the neighborhood. Never know when he’s gonna pounce!

Doc-T: Funny thing is, everyone usually laughed really hard. He really is a very likable person despite all this mischief. He’s still a little bit crazy as a grown up!

ChickyBabe: O yeah he will take it and then dish it right back!

Darling Nikki: Hahaha that’s really funny! I actually really enjoyed my reunion. We had a very small class, so it was nice to see everyone.

Thank you for spelling out p***s m********n in my blog

Oops, sorry.

So I guess I shouldn’t say vagina mutilation either ??

I never knew Gary Cooper was so much fun.

And I never would have guessed you were that old…

Not sure I know him…!

lol @ Baryshnikov. I love people like that…it takes thinking out of the box to come up with plans of that magnitude.

i bet now he’s probably a professional identity thief or CPA.

thts a cool name for a dog!…and yup we r glad we didnt go to the same school as gary!!……The whole weiner bit was pretty funny tho..

Weiner carving. Ah, good times. Sounds like something Bush probably did in college.

I am Gary C, and I fear none of you! What became of me you ask, the level of cahoots skyrocketed from mild to truly deviant in college. For those of you that posted comments regarding the kicking of my ass or slapping of my, quite lovely I might add, face….I warn you to stay clear of Pasadena. I am not a soft hearted as my high school self, and meat balls and weiners on your door could be replaced with something more personal and essencial to your body’s excretory process. Plus Jack did forget to mention the 6 foot statue I build and displayed of myself when I was a junior. If only that statue still stood, most likely I would not have to deal with any replys to this blog. Fear my friends…Lenin and Stalin knew what they was doing!

I re-read that post and I’ve decided that I love the phrase “makeshift wiener-cock”.

I will repeat these stories at happy hours for years to come. All of my best stories are other people’s stories.

Are you still in touch with him?
A weiner trick never gets old. Fact.

Gav: I’ve already had 18 perves email me pictures of their ding dong. Thanks a lot.

Faltenin: Who’s Gary Cooper?

Missy: Perhaps you do. He is hard to miss when he swaggers into a room.

Angie: Well, I would say Gary’s strong suit is more towards doing (and shooting) than thinking.

DietChiliCheeseFries: Yes. One of the two. I’ll let you guess which. Or I’ll tell you if you give me your social security number.

Sapna: You and Penny Karma (see her comment above) should duke it out over whether it’s a cool or a lame name for a dog!

Jamie Ford: Yes. Gary one day will be President of the United States also. When he makes it to the White House I’m gonna get him to create special freeways going all over the place that nobody is allowed to drive on but me. How’s that for a pork barrel?

Garyc: Don’t taunt the natives. They know how to use computers. They’re resourceful. Your ass may be safe, but your credit score is not.

Penny Karma: Yes. I also tried to work in “veggie vegeegee” but I couldn’t figure out how. Next post perhaps.

GnightGirl: O please do feel free to use my stories (or rather Gary’s) at parties. Be sure to send us a royalty check every few weeks.

Steph: Please see third comment up from yours- the one written by Gary C. Yes- We are still in touch. We go out for L.A. ghetto cuisine every few months.

Are all his prank weewee-related?! sounds like a character! He and I would get along! I had a kid like that in class. I fixed him allright.
Have a great week end!
FitÃ¨na

That’s hilarious…and awful.

Of course nowadays Gary would have been arrested for terroristic threats. Ah the good old days when you could threaten to mutilate a dog and psuedo-flash little girls…

PS. Loving this blog.

Hmmm, I think I knew Gary. Thanks for the memories.

FitÃ¨na: O no, they’re not all weiner related. They usually involve balloons filled with water. Or filled with soy sauce if it’s someone he doesn’t like. Stin-KY!

Jenny: Gary also gets nearly arrested many for things other than terrorism haha.

Wendy Boucher: No problemo. You’re very welcome.

How long has Gary been a vegetarian?

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I'm not particularly deep, clever, or knowledgeable. I'm also a pretty boring writer.

-Jack. Los Angeles, CA

You can email me at:
jack [at] suckyblog.com

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