Water and Incense, Prayer and Belief

In Thailand, people call their capital city Krung Thep (pronounced “kroong tape”), meaning “City of Angels.”

Sixty years ago, Krung Thep, known in the West as Bangkok, did not in any way resemble the sprawling, noisy metropolis it is today. During that fabled time, Bangkok was a truly exotic city of the Orient.

canal.jpgIt was a different time, a different place. People lived their lives by the water, along a patchwork of klongs, or canals, stitched together like a moving, flowing tapestry. Teak houses perched on stilts lined the waterways. Wives did the household laundry on their dock steps, keeping a watchful eye as their children splashed and played. Merchants carrying food and goods paddled their flatbed canoes to and fro, occasionally stopping at a house to trade goods or gossip, oftentimes both.

arun.jpgEach morning the smell of burning incense wafted from house to house as people prayed to Buddha before starting their day. They prayed for guidance, forgiveness, comfort. Happiness. Hope. At daybreak, monks dressed in flowing orange robes silently glided from home to home, collecting humble offerings of food and other basic necessities for their sustenance. In that era, people donated their time and effort -not just their money- to build gilded temples. They had belief and faith in a Greater Power.

In one particular teakwood house, a young mother was in the throes of labor, the sounds of her struggle projecting through the wood shutters from her room overlooking the canal. Hearing and seeing the commotion, the neighbors walked and paddled over one by one to lend support. After many hours of labor, she finally gave birth to a beautiful boy with a full head of hair. He let out a cry signaling his first gasps of breath, bringing great joy and relief to his mother, family and neighbors. Congratulations and salutations floated along the canal, travelling the same path as early morning incense.

For a few months the mother cared for her child. She fed and bathed him. Could not remember what her life was like before he arrived. Every morning, she told her child stories about the world around him. Every evening she covered his crib in a mosquito net, leaving the bedroom shutters barely open so he wouldn’t catch cold from the water’s breeze. Several times a day, the young mother lit incense and said a silent prayer for her son. That he would have kwaam suuk, enlightenment and contentment, every day of his life.

Then suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, the baby fell ill and died. His mother clutched his lifeless body in her arms, refusing to let his spirit go. Tears streamed down her cheeks, her voice extinguished from endless sobbing, her hopes and dreams shattered.

Buddha.jpgFor days she knelt in front of the shrine ensconced on her porch. Neighbors looked on with concern as they sat on their porches along the water, knowing that there were no words to comfort her. She prayed to the golden statue of Buddha, alternately sobbing and whispering her sorrow and bottomless despair.

The day of her son’s funeral, she knelt again in front of her family shrine. She lit three sticks of incense and a candle, and made an offering of ripe tangerines. She made vows to Buddha: She promised to cease eating meat, to devote her life to doing good and building good karma. Praying in hushed tones, she asked that her son be brought back to her. She dabbed banana paste on her deceased son’s left foot, and tomato paste on his right foot. “Put these marks on him when he returns, so that I know it is him,” she pleaded.

After her special prayer, her sorrow did not fade. But at last she relented, allowing her family to take her son’s body to his funeral. She continued to weep. And pray. For many weeks thereafter.

About a year later, the bereaved mother’s younger sister gave birth to a son of her own. Upon inspecting this newborn child, the young mother whose baby had died a year earlier let out a shriek. On the newborn’s left foot was a big black birth mark, and on his right foot a big red one. Her prayers had been answered: This was her child, delivered back to her arms. She considered him the reincarnation of her deceased son, and for a full year she raised him and refused to let anybody else hold him. She only let him go when she finally realized the anguish she was causing her sister.

This is a true story. I have colored in some of the surrounding details, but these events did indeed occur. The baby’s (American) name is Sam. He is now in his sixties, and lives in Los Angeles with his wife and grown son. He is one of my parents’ oldest and closest friends.

I have seen the marks on his feet.

bkk.jpgWas what happened the result of mere coincidence, or the sign of a Higher Power at work? In our hurried, cynical world, it would be nice, if only briefly, to imagine life in a teakwood house along that canal. Where the travelling scent of burning incense from each home mingles in an unspoken communal blessing, and spirituality and holiness flow freely upon the water. Where a person can kneel beside the water and whisper a prayer, creating in that solemn moment a true hope that what you wish for may come true.

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Bee in My Bonny

bjain2.jpg12-year-old Bonny Jain, an 8th-grade student from Illinois, recently won the 2006 National Geographic Bee and an accompanying $25,000 scholarship. Throughout the contest, he correctly answered all but one of the very difficult global geography questions asked by Alex Trebek, of Jeopardy! fame.

Bonny aspires to attend MIT. He speaks, reads and writes Hindi fluently. He’s currently studying German and Spanish. For Bonny, I’m sure, “studying” a language connotes a much more comprehensive endeavor than what I consider “studying” a language. (I would like a burrito, s’il vous plait. Que? Yo no speako Spanisho. The only Spanisho I know is “burrito”, “chimichanga”, “Macarena”, “Shakira”, “Salma Hayek”, “cantalupos gigantes”. And “s’il vous plait”.)

In addition to having just won the National Geographic Bee, Bonny also recently took the SAT (again, he’s in EIGHTH GRADE). He scored 800 in math, 790 in writing, and 720 in critical reading for a 2,310 composite score out of a possible total of 2,400 points (800 points per section). I have a feeling MIT will be saving a spot for him. Maybe even this year.

NGB.gifBelow are five questions from this year’s competition. This contest was not in multiple choice format: The contestants had to come up with the answers independently, without any hints or clues.

Bangweulu is an area of extensive swamps formed largely by the flooding of the Chambeshi River in which African country?
(to see the answer, click here, hold down your mouse button, and move the cursor down over the white space below)

Zambia

Name the small island at the north end of the East China Sea that is a province of South Korea.
(to see the answer, click here, hold down your mouse button, and move the cursor down over the white space below)

Cheju

In 1995, the government of Niger signed a peace agreement with rebel forces belonging to which traditional group in the Sahara region?
(to see the answer, click here, hold down your mouse button, and move the cursor down over the white space below)

Tuareg

Majestic views of Mount Everest can be seen from a town in northeast India that is the capital of a district of the same name. Name this town.
(to see the answer, click here, hold down your mouse button, and move the cursor down over the white space below)

Darjeeling

Name the last remaining independent Polynesian kingdom.
(to see the answer, click here, hold down your mouse button, and move the cursor down over the white space below)

Tonga

Listed below are the names and home states of the little geniuses who competed in this year’s National Geographic Bee, in seating order.

Neeraj Sirdeshmukh - New Hampshire
Suneil Iyer - Kansas
Yeshwanth Kandimalla - Georgia
Paige DePolo - Nevada
Autumn Hughes - Colorado
Mathew Vengalil - Michigan
Krishnan Chandra - Massachusetts
Drew Coffin - Iowa
Kelsey Schilperoort - Arizona
Bonny Jain - Illinois

The following is a snapshot of the population of the United States, as per the 2000 Census:

usp2.jpg

Similar to other unexplained racial phenomena found in the United States such as ice hockey (white), basketball (black), NASCAR (hick, a subsegment of “white”), and gold Rolexes (Chinese, a cross-segment of “good at math” and “bad at driving”), the National Geographic Bee’s distribution by ethnicity bears no resemblance whatsoever to the general population distrubution of the United States:

ngbcontestants.jpg

Guess which kids were the first four contestants to answer wrong and be eliminated. Amazing, I know: All four “Not Indian” kids were the first to be eliminated.

ngb_final16.jpg

Bonny competed in last year’s National Geographic Bee as well. At the start of this year’s competition, Trebek asked Bonny about his fourth place finish in the 2005 contest. Bonny replied with confidence: Since the first, second and third place finishers are not allowed to return, he preferred to finish fourth if he couldn’t finish first.

I guess it all worked out.

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How to Name a Chinese Restaurant

I’ve had a lot of friends ask recently, “Jack, how do Chinese restaurant owners pick a name for their establishment?” Actually, nobody’s ever asked me that (and most of my friends don’t use “establishment” in everyday conversation), but I just threw it out there as a way to enhance my weak storytelling skills. If I had stronger storytelling skills I would not have thrown it out there, and I certainly would not have admitted to making it up. I also would get back on topic real fast.

Because I am of Asian descent (see “Fob or Not?!?!“), I know these things. Here is how you pick a name for a new Chinese restaurant:

1) Pick a name from list A

  • Golden
  • Jade
  • Bamboo
  • Empress
  • Emperor’s
  • China
  • Panda
  • Hunan
  • Szechwan

It doesn’t matter what kind of food you plan to serve- you can randomly pick either Hunan or Szechwan because nobody in the U.S. knows the difference anyway.

2) Pick a name from list B

  • Dragon
  • Palace
  • Garden
  • Pavilion
  • Inn
  • Pagoda

3) Place A in front of B.

Congratulations. Now you have a name for your new Chinese restaurant.

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FOB or Not?!?!

FOB. ABC. No, I’m not singing a song that teaches kids to spell.

F-O-B! (pronounced “fob”, but usually with an exclamation, like “FOB!!!”) means Flresh-Off-Boat! A! B! C! means Amelican Bohn Chinese! Just a decade or two ago, Asian immigrants (FOB!) and their children (ABC! like me!), considered these labels to be badges of shame, connoting traits that just didn’t fit into the great American landscape:

FOB - Multi-variable length hair style accompanied by splotchy sideburns. Thin polyester jackets with two tone color schemes. White socks with sandals. Even worse- hiked up dark socks with sandals and shorts. Some funky, unsophisticated-sounding, non-European, definitely non-American chop suey accent.

ABC - Rice rockets (Japanese compact cars, for the uninitiated) with dark tinted front windows. High SAT math scores. (They just had to ruin the curve didn’t they?). Bad at sports. Socially awkward when outnumbered by WASPs.

Amazing how much can change in just a few decades. Most FOBs (at least from my parents’ generation) are a self-selecting group of earnest, enterprising, risk-taking individuals- how many of us would leave our homeland to pursue some nebulous, unquantifiable opportunity in a far away place where we don’t speak the language? As a result, many FOBs prospered. Don’t act all surprised. Just because they don’t speak English well doesn’t mean they’re bad at business. (pet peeve side note: if you are speaking to somebody who is not fluent in English, speak more slowly if you want them to actually understand you. Speaking louder does not help them understand you any better).

And FOBs’ ABC kids -with one foot in America and maybe a small toehold in some land across the Pacific (still gotta eat rice for 3 out of every 5 meals!)- actually scored ok on the SAT verbals. They played sports. Joined the debate team. Went to college (*ahem* University of Caucasians Lost among Asians). Became professionals. Lawyers. Doctors. Engineers. Internet tycoons. Intellectuals. Artists. Token Asian Guys on movie sets. A few semi-funny comedians. They wedged themselves into the great American landscape.

And America over time also began to reflect a slight yellow glow. White guys got yellow fever. They got married (one married my cousin. Go Rob!). They produced hybrid offspring (who apparently are “half white/half right”! haha courtesy of Jonathan Chin). Asian cuisines got fused into gourmet menus (by white chefs, but us Asians are more pragmatic than proud so we’ll take it anyway). Japanese cars set the new gold standard for reliability in the world’s largest automobile market. Jackie Chan made some hit movies in Engrish. Ang Lee won an Oscar. Everyone’s into yoga.

I don’t know if it’s cool to be a FOB or ABC. But any negative connotation with FOBiness has definitely been rapidly receding. Many value their FOB- and ABC-dom: It’s advantageous to have a rich multilingual, multicultural background when you inhabit a rapidly shrinking globe.

So whether you’re yellow, brown, black, red, white, or any other color (Barney:purple; Kermit:green…they’re American, aren’t they?!), let’s test your FOB-IQ! Since many FOBs these days are quite cosmopolitan, with respectable hairstyles, department store wardrobes and fluency in multiple languages, it may be more difficult than you think to figure out which of my friends below is FOB (born outside the U.S.).

For each of the pictures below, take your best guess…FOB or Not!!! The answers are in InvisoText.

(hold down your mouse button and scroll your over the white area to the right of each picture)

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Walter! He no FOB! He born in USA!!!

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.FOB!!! But Uma is married to a CA (Caucasian American) so she is undertaking a 7 step de-FOBbing program. She may even learn to bake one day. (Asians stir fry. They don’t bake).

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
HE NO FOB!!! Not only is Bobby not a FOB, he’s half white!!!

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
NOT FOB!!! Jon is ABC!!! But still a math major.

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Trick question!!! Lisa is not Asian (can you tell by the picture?), but she was born in South Africa- Honorary FOB! (Some would argue that affluent white immigrants are FOPs: Fresh Off the Plane! That is at least two classes above FOB if you are counting purely by mode of transportation.)

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Another trick question!!! Diana was born in Singapore, and currently lives in Singapore! NOT FOB!!! But if she lived in the U.S. she would be FOB!!!

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
NOT FOB!!! Jenny is ABC, born in USA! She eats only hamburgers and speaks only English. She’s what’s called a banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside. Hey, I just repeat this stuff…I don’t make it up).

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Super duper trick question!!! Clockwise from top left:
Shont: Half ABA! (American-Born-Armenian!)
Pat: FOB!!!
Katrina: All American! Not FOB, Not ABC, Not ABA!
Baby Olivia: Not FOB, Not ABC, 1/4 ABA! (”and damn pwoud ob it!” she adds).

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Phil! He’s of Korean descent, but despite the FOB-like hairstyle and unintentional half-’stache (so difficult to distinguish between “FOB”, “grunge” and “slob” appearance these days), Phil HE NOT FOB!!!

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Yet another trick question! (us ABCs are so tricky! Maybe it’s something we learned from our FOB parents!). Sandy hails from Canada, but lives in Cambridge, MA. He’s a FOC! (Fresh Out of the Car).

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Shirley! She’s NOT FOB! She’s an ABC! Can’t you tell? with a name like Shirley?!? That’s totally an ABC name.

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Tammy! Her brother is FOB! But she is ABC!!!

FOB or Not?!?!

Click your mouse here, hold down the mouse button and drag down over the white space below to see the answer.
Will! Born in Taiwan!!! FOB!!! Well, at least by the definition of FOB that I posited above. Will though would probably rather fight you to the death than allow you to call him a FOB! There are distinctions among foreign-born Americans, spanning varying degrees of FOBiness. Will mostly grew up in the U.S., so despite his pimped-out ride (FOB/ABC style), Will would argue that he and newly arrived FOBby FOBs don’t have too much in common!

So did you get any right? Is your FOB IQ sufficient?

Here is another test to gauge your FOB sensibilities. I am not providing answers to these- you will have to consult your own personal FOB or ABC friends for enlightenment:

When you go out for Chinese food, where do you go?
- PF Chang’s
- Sam Woo BBQ

What’s your favorite dish there?
- Chicken lettuce cups
- Boiled tripe

When you finish eating at a Korean restaurant and they give you a little cup of milky white liquid with little pellets on the bottom, what do you do with it?
- Rinse your fingers
- Drink it

When you order a rice dish at a Thai place, what utensils do you use? (Note: This may be a trick question. And if you are trying to game it, having guessed what I guessed you will guess, well then it may turn out to be a *trick-trick* question, where I have guessed what you guessed I guessed you would guess…)
- Chopsticks
- Fork and spoon

When you buy a new tv, what is the first thing you do to it?
- Remove the stickers
- Wrap the remote control in Saran Wrap

What floor, in a building, would you least want to be on?
- 4
- 13

What’s your opinion of durian?
- Tastes like heaven
- Smells like hell

When you go on vacation and arrive at your destination, what’s the first thing you look for?
- The spa
- Chinese food

In what order do you prioritize the following weekend activities:
- Eating
- Shopping
- Camping
- Eating
- Hiking
- Shopping
- Eating
- Reading
- Shopping
- Partying
- Eating
- Concerts
- Shopping
- Eating

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Yoshinoya Beef Bowl Prevents Cancer

The April issue of the American Cancer Society Journal has published the results of a widely conducted 20-year study of cancer preventing foods. At the top of the list is Yoshinoya Beef Bowl. Initially thought to simply be a leading cause of diabetes and heart disease, Yoshinoya Beef Bowl’s cancer-fighting benefits came as a great surprise to the researchers. Despite initial doubts, the study was compelled to include Yoshinoya’s Beef Bowl because the dish is very popular in Japan, with a Yoshinoya seemingly on every street corner in Tokyo and other large Japanese cities. The study included foods that were popular and frequently consumed in countries that have a low incidence of cancer, such as Japan and Greece.

While researchers initially believed at the outset that the predominance of foods such as fish and olive oil were responsible for the low incidence of cancer in Japanese and Mediterranean populations, the results of the well-funded independent study showed that Yoshinoya Beef Bowl clearly was the primary cancer preventing agent among the Japanese population. The study showed an average 30% lower incidence of several types of cancers for men and women of all age groups who regularly ate Yoshinoya Beef Bowl over a 20 year period, from 1986 to 2006. Those who ate a large Yoshinoya Beef Bowl with two packs of Kikkoman Soy Sauce at least twice a week particularly benefitted, with some age groups displaying up to a 45% lower incidence of colorectal cancer. “We were as surprised as anybody about the results, but the study was conducted very rigorously with independent funding over a 20 year period, and we consider the results to be conclusive,” commented the study’s coordinator, Dr. Aaron Ohno of the nationally-funded Japan Cancer Research Institute.

Public reaction to the study’s surprising results has thus far been enthusiastic. “I give the results of this research study two big thumbs up. Now I can enjoy the fatty-fat-fattiness of a Yoshinoya Beef Bowl and know that I am also improving my health,” comments 19-year-old Arthur Ipsla of Los Angeles, CA, a longtime Yoshinoya patron who has been cancer free all his life.

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Who’s Beard Papa?

So a little while ago our friend Sharon introduced us to this place called “Beard Papa”. It’s a pretty popular spot is what I heard. which explains why i hadn’t ever heard about it until a month ago- some people are uncool. i’m like anticool. not to say that i am personally against cool things. more like the cool force of the universe evidently doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. anyway, it’s a japanese company that serves cream puffs, of all things. the parent company’s name is muginoho USA (even though they don’t have a franchise in noho they still have it as part of their name…well, north hollywood for those who bought homes there 10-20 years ago at $100,000 - $300,000, and noho for those who moved in recently at well over $500,000). so these things are huge. and they come with 3 filling types: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. there’s a little vat of each filling at the counter, and a big ol’ pile of hollow cream puffs (these are much larger than the regular cream puffs you find at the grocery or the chinese bakery). when you order, they inject the filling into each cream puff for you. kinda like a freshly made sort of thing.

so who is beard papa? the only time i’ve been there, i asked the lady behind the counter, but she could not provide an answer. does he smoke his pipe when he’s cooking up the cream puffs? that would not be very sanitary. and why does he look pretty caucasian even though it’s a japanese company? and what’s with the nose? can that thing be any wider? it must be some medical condition. is there a beard mama? she must be the brains behind the operation. and sharon said it would be more logical if they called it “papa beard”, but since it’s japanese it’s called “beard papa”, reminiscent of those random t-shirts and pencil boxes from asia with randomly stitched together words forming incomprehensible phrases, like “duck pond lily love freshness”. or “sucky blog spring rain ever fly.” ok i made those up. they’re not as funny as the real thing.

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Pho-King Awesome Restaurant Names

For the uninitiated, “Pho” rhymes with “duh”. Or so I’ve been told, but not by anyone vietnamese because we used to have two vietnamese friends in socal but one moved to boston and the other must think we smell b/c for some reason he won’t hang out with us except once every 6 months (not for lack of trying on our part- ok i’ll stop my bitching and get on with the lame joke now haha). here are some gems:

What the Pho - West L.A.
Pho King - Rosemead
Absolutely Phobulous - Hollywood
Pho Kym - Monterey Park

This is not limited to Pho places though:
- when i was growing up near monterey park (80’s! baby!) the two best places for chinese porridge were luk yue and fu yue. i always wondered what the name would be changed to if they merged.
- In Portland there is a Chinese restaurant called “Hung Far Low”. It’s actually spelled that way too.

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